The Least Crap 100
The hundred least crap towns in Britain, by Crap Score. Not nice, exactly. Just less crap. Don't all move there at once.
The top five all score 0, as low as the scale goes, so the order between them comes from the figures behind the score. Lee-on-the-Solent is top. Nothing happens there. That's rather the point.
After the real thing? Here's The Crap 100.
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Lee-on-the-SolentBarely crap at all. Sorry. | 0 |
| 2 | OadbyLeicester, but posher. Ask anyone in Oadby. | 0 |
| 3 | South Woodham FerrersBuilt round an Asda. Proud of it. | 0 |
| 4 | ChorleywoodNice enough to forgive the bread. | 0 |
| 5 | KesgraveIt's not Ipswich. Tesco said sorry. | 0 |
| 6 | BirstallLovely lake. Hardly a pub. | 1 |
| 7 | CambournePlease keep off the show homes. | 1 |
| 8 | Saffron WaldenSuffering Boredom. Their words. | 1 |
| 9 | WoodleyWoodley. The planes went. Then they took the pagoda. | 1 |
| 10 | WigstonPosh sign. Letters fell off. | 1 |
| 11 | Market HarboroughNo harbour. No sea. Not much to moan about. | 1 |
| 12 | Taverham and DraytonWe made the paper for banknotes. | 1 |
| 13 | SandhurstLovely bluebells. Slow trains. | 1 |
| 14 | SystonThere's a plum on our sign. Not much else. | 1 |
| 15 | NailseaNice town. Ugly middle. | 1 |
| 16 | LutterworthNice old town. Bolted to a giant warehouse. | 2 |
| 17 | RugeleyThe power station's gone. So have the shops. | 2 |
| 18 | HazlemereVery nice. Where's the middle? | 2 |
| 19 | CrowthorneHome of road safety. Stuck at a mini roundabout. | 2 |
| 20 | ThornburyLovely flowers. Shame about the High Street row. | 2 |
| 21 | KidlingtonBiggest village in Britain. Shut up about it. | 2 |
| 22 | OakhamRutland's county town. They'll tell you. | 2 |
| 23 | VerwoodPottery town. Nice heath. That's it. | 2 |
| 24 | BiggleswadeBiggy. Fine. Nothing to do. | 2 |
| 25 | Droitwich SpaSalty water. Wonky buildings. Not much else. | 2 |
| 26 | ClevedonLovely pier. Don't mention the road. | 3 |
| 27 | BroughBuilt the Harrier. Can't park a car. | 3 |
| 28 | Chandler's FordChandler's Can't Afford. The village, they call it. | 3 |
| 29 | Worcester Park and StoneleighWP. Nice and quiet. Too quiet. | 3 |
| 30 | HorndeanNice brewery tower. Nothing else to report. | 3 |
| 31 | HarpendenIt's a village. A very expensive one. | 3 |
| 32 | CavershamThis is not Reading. That's over the bridge. | 3 |
| 33 | Bury St EdmundsPosh market town. Smells of beet. | 3 |
| 34 | BearsdenMore hairdressers than you'd think. Hardly any pubs. | 3 |
| 35 | BeaconsfieldOld Town, New Town. Both look down on you. | 3 |
| 36 | FlitwickFlitwick. It's a Tesco with houses round it. | 4 |
| 37 | RickmansworthRicky. Lakes, canals and rows about dogs. | 4 |
| 38 | Hedge EndWe grew strawberries. Now we grow car parks. | 4 |
| 39 | WoodbridgeVoted happiest place to live. We know. | 4 |
| 40 | DronfieldDronny. Nothing to report. Sorry. | 4 |
| 41 | CannockLovely forest. Then you drive into town. | 4 |
| 42 | MilngavieLovely walks. Too many cafés. | 4 |
| 43 | BishoptonLast bus before your tea. None on a Sunday. | 4 |
| 44 | AttleboroughTown or village? The council's still arguing. | 4 |
| 45 | FrimleyLovely, once you've parked. If you park. | 4 |
| 46 | Chalfont St PeterA village. Don't you dare say town. | 5 |
| 47 | WesthillNot part of Aberdeen. Don't even start. | 5 |
| 48 | CorshamLovely town. The peacocks run it. | 5 |
| 49 | South HaylingNice beach. Shame about the bridge. | 5 |
| 50 | ThameAs seen on telly. Repeatedly. | 5 |
| 51 | WokinghamLovely old buildings. Lost our M&S. | 5 |
| 52 | SidmouthSidmouth. Quiet please. | 5 |
| 53 | WantageWantage. No station. Lovely market square. | 5 |
| 54 | CartertonLovely and quiet between planes. | 5 |
| 55 | St AndrewsHome of Golf. You can't afford a round. | 5 |
| 56 | Hythe and Dibden PurlieuLittle train on the pier. No train anywhere else. | 6 |
| 57 | Bishop's CleeveCalls itself a village. It's a housing estate. | 6 |
| 58 | Bradley StokeRoundabouts, then a Tesco, then roundabouts. | 6 |
| 59 | MaidenheadLovely river. The town centre's a building site. | 6 |
| 60 | FelixstoweGarden resort of the east coast. Lorries round the back. | 6 |
| 61 | BurntwoodWe've got the smallest park. Lichfield got the rest. | 6 |
| 62 | MarlowLovely river. Pay to park. | 6 |
| 63 | EllonA craft brewery and a lovely bridge. Settle down. | 6 |
| 64 | MaldonPosh salt. Lots of mud. No trains. | 6 |
| 65 | Abbots Langley and Kings LangleyNothing happens here. They like it that way. | 7 |
| 66 | BracknellThe Dursleys lived here. Makes sense. | 7 |
| 67 | HertfordCounty town. Ware isn't. Just saying. | 7 |
| 68 | Ashby-de-la-ZouchPosh name. The banks still fucked off. | 7 |
| 69 | SouthwaterDinosaur playground. Somebody's blocked your drive. | 7 |
| 70 | StowmarketSlowmarket. We're in no hurry. | 7 |
| 71 | Hockley and HawkwellLovely woods. Shit roundabout. | 7 |
| 72 | BeverleyNear York. Definitely not near Hull. | 7 |
| 73 | SawbridgeworthSawbo. Still looking at old furniture. | 7 |
| 74 | Henley-on-ThamesRegatta week. Stripy blazers. Absolutely hammered. | 7 |
| 75 | Ingleby BarwickDon't call it South Thornaby. | 8 |
| 76 | WareWhere? Ware. Yes, we've heard it. | 8 |
| 77 | Market DraytonGingerbread. We do go on about it. | 8 |
| 78 | SeafordShags. Smug about it. | 8 |
| 79 | PenarthGarden by the Sea. Posh as you like. | 8 |
| 80 | BuckinghamUsed to be the county town. Still sulking. | 8 |
| 81 | BelperYes, the high street has won things. Again. | 8 |
| 82 | AshteadAshdead. Locals' words, not ours. | 8 |
| 83 | GillinghamHard G. Not the one in Kent. | 8 |
| 84 | Blandford ForumPretty town. The flies will have your legs. | 8 |
| 85 | Earl ShiltonWe used to make boots. Now we rev engines. | 9 |
| 86 | PorthcawlCosta del Cawl. It's Wales, mind. | 9 |
| 87 | ChelmsfordRadio City. Traffic news on repeat. | 9 |
| 88 | DriffieldCapital of the Wolds. Nobody else wanted it. | 9 |
| 89 | CrowboroughAshdown Forest. A bloody long walk home. | 9 |
| 90 | NewmarketThe horses have right of way. Always. | 9 |
| 91 | AltonNothing wrong with it. Except the bloody marmot. | 9 |
| 92 | Willerby and AnlabyDefinitely not Hull. Postcode says Hull. | 9 |
| 93 | Locks HeathUsed to grow strawberries. Now it grows cul-de-sacs. | 9 |
| 94 | Great Bookham and FetchamNothing wrong here. They'll find something. | 9 |
| 95 | StotfoldNice watermill. No trains. | 10 |
| 96 | West EndWest End. Not that West End. | 10 |
| 97 | MountsorrelMassive quarry. Dust on everything. | 10 |
| 98 | LichfieldLich Vegas. It isn't. It's dead quiet. | 10 |
| 99 | SarnNear the services. That's the claim to fame. | 10 |
| 100 | FerndownHome of Slop Bog. That's its real name. | 10 |
Towns of 10,000 people or more, London borough by borough. A town marked = is level with the one above it. How the score works.