Crap Towns / Essex / South Woodham Ferrers
South Woodham Ferrers
0/100Crap Score
Known as Toytown.
982nd crappest of 984 towns, and 33rd in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Asda Town.
They built the town centre round a supermarket and named the streets after Lord of the Rings.
South Woodham Ferrers is a new town in Essex built round an Asda with a clock tower on it, and the streets are named after Lord of the Rings. The river walks are nice. The moans are dog mess on the pavements, parking tickets in the Asda car park and nothing for teenagers to do except go to Asda.
Crime's about half the typical town's and the vandals barely exist. Barclays shut in 2023, so it's Asda cashback or nothing. It only rains on 108 days a year, so the dog walkers are out in force, and so is what they leave behind.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
South Woodham Ferrers's 71 for broadband means it's crapper than 71% of towns.
- Broadband71/10011.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 12.1% across the Chelmsford council area
- Air pollution66/1008.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene34/1001.4% rated 0 to 2, of the 71 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills28/10086.8 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Deliberate fires7/1002.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions6/1001.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping5/1003.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Chelmsford council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain3/100108 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson2/1002.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour1/1003.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 25 | Brentwood | 17 |
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
South Woodham Ferrers by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 38.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 49% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 45% lower than the typical town's 1.1
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 1 charity shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 6.2 per 100,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 63% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.18pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 0.5%
- 7.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 52% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,725 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 13% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Chelmsford council
- £2,300 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £92 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 2 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
South Woodham Ferrers against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.