Crap Towns / Essex / Brentwood
Brentwood
17/100Crap Score
Locals call it Brenners.
820th crappest of 984 towns, and 25th in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Brentwood. All tan, no shops.
It was on the telly once and it's still going on about it.
Brentwood was on the telly and won't shut up about it. The High Street has empty shops with letting signs bigger than the windows, and they spent ages arguing about the cobbles. The nightlife that made it famous has gone quiet. Brenners still does its face like a camera crew's coming.
There's a deer park out at Weald and a Gruffalo trail at Thorndon, and back in town 42.7% of people live more than 400 metres from a park or a swing, two and a half times the typical town's share. The banks have announced 4 closures. Somebody keeps nicking the cars, which round here are worth nicking.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Brentwood's 84 for air pollution means it's crapper than 84% of towns.
- Air pollution84/10010.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband77/10011.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 15.3% across the Brentwood council area
- Fly-tipping66/10013.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Brentwood council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene28/1001.7% rated 0 to 2, of the 344 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions28/1001.8 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour21/1007.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson18/1004.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills15/10020.1 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain11/100114 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires4/1001.9 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 21 | Harwich | 23 |
| 22 | Rochford | 22 |
| 23 | Braintree | 21 |
| 24 | Stanford-le-Hope | 17 |
| 25 | Brentwood | 17 |
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
Brentwood by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 70.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 7% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 6 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 22% higher than the typical town's 0.9
- 3 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2022
What's left on the high street
- 20 pubs, 18 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 4 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 10 banks, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 7.5% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (3 of 40) Worse: 1.9x the typical town's 4.0%
- 4 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 7.2 per 100,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 9 public toilets on the map (October 2026) About the same: 1.6 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical town's 1.6
- 8 public swimming pools open; 2 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.23am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3x the typical town's 0.5%
- 42.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.8x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,655 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Brentwood council
Have a crap-off
Brentwood against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.