The Crap 100
The hundred crappest towns in Britain, by Crap Score. If yours is on it, you probably knew.
The top five all max out at 100, so the order between them comes from the figures behind the score. The City of London and Westminster are up there partly because we count per resident, and far more people pour through them every day than live there. Every pickpocketed tourist counts. Padiham hasn't got that excuse.
Fancy somewhere less grim? Try The Least Crap 100.
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | PadihamGawthorpe Hall's nice. Don't go past the gate. | 100 |
| 2 | City of LondonClosed weekends. Cranes open as usual. | 100 |
| 3 | WestminsterPlease stop weeing in Soho. | 100 |
| 4 | Great YarmouthGreat on the sign. Not in person. | 100 |
| 5 | BlackburnStill full of holes. Cheers for asking. | 100 |
| 6 | ColneWhere the M65 gives up. So did we. | 99 |
| 7 | ManchesterIt's raining. It's always been raining. | 99 |
| 8 | KeighleyIt's Keethley. And it's rough as fuck. | 99 |
| 9 | BradfordLovely town hall. Then you look left. | 99 |
| 10 | Newcastle upon TyneHoway. Mind the roadworks. | 99 |
| 11 | BacupGravy wrestling. That's the highlight. | 99 |
| 12 | DarwenNot Blackburn. Don't you dare. | 99 |
| 13 | SalfordCity of Salford. Please stop dumping sofas. | 99 |
| 14 | LancasterYou've gone past it. Go round again. | 99 |
| 15 | AccringtonAccrington Stanley? Who are they? Yeah, heard it. | 99 |
| 16 | LiverpoolGreat city. Don't judge it by Lime Street. | 98 |
| 17 | BurnleyUp the Clarets. Everything else is down. | 98 |
| 18 | CliftonWe've got a station. The trains haven't heard. | 98 |
| 19 | BarnsleyWelcome to Tarn. It's as bad as you've heard. | 98 |
| 20 | TredegarInspired the NHS. Could do with a doctor itself. | 98 |
| 21 | FarnworthWe dug rain gardens. Now we can't park. | 98 |
| 22 | EcclesFamous for a cake. Good luck buying one here. | 98 |
| 23 | PrestonYou've only changed trains here. Good choice. | 98 |
| 24 | DewsburyDoomsbury. The buildings deserved better. | 98 |
| 25 | NelsonNelson. Lots of parking. Nothing to park for. | 98 |
| 26 | RotherhamIt's near Sheffield. That's how we put it. | 97 |
| 27 | ShipleyIt's not Bradford. It's in Bradford. | 97 |
| 28 | RawtenstallRottenstall. Say it how it sounds. | 97 |
| 29 | WallsendThe Romans stopped here. So did the shops. | 97 |
| 30 | HeywoodMonkey Town. Please stop asking about the stools. | 97 |
| 31 | BrierfieldRoadworks. Nobody working on them. | 97 |
| 32 | HalifaxPiece Hall's lovely. The rest is roadworks. | 97 |
| 33 | NewportThe Port. You knows it. | 97 |
| 34 | MorecambeEden's coming. So was everything else. | 97 |
| 35 | CamdenPunk's dead. Gift shop's open. | 97 |
| 36 | RiscaThey fenced in a cuckoo. It flew off. | 96 |
| 37 | HaslingdenBig Lamp. Big roadworks. No pool. | 96 |
| 38 | ClydebankBuilt the Queen Mary. Now builds bin fires. | 96 |
| 39 | Tower HamletsCanary Wharf's ours. No, really. | 96 |
| 40 | MiddlesbroughBoro. The parmo's the best thing here. | 96 |
| 41 | Great HarwoodSnuffy 'Arrod. Lovely front step. Mind the dog muck. | 96 |
| 42 | KearsleyKearsley. You've driven through it. | 96 |
| 43 | Ebbw ValeBring a big coat. The sheep have. | 96 |
| 44 | SheernessWe've got scorpions. They're the nice bit. | 96 |
| 45 | BirkenheadBirkenvegas. It's not Vegas. | 96 |
| 46 | HamiltonThe mausoleum's the liveliest place in town. | 95 |
| 47 | WalkdenWalkden. Bring a brolly, even indoors. | 95 |
| 48 | AbertilleryBarbers, pubs, boarded windows. Repeat to the end. | 95 |
| 49 | LambethBins next Tuesday. Possibly. | 95 |
| 50 | HeckmondwikeEmpty shops, a lonely bog, plenty of bookies. | 95 |
| 51 | HuddersfieldIt's a town. Don't call it a city. | 95 |
| 52 | Bishop AucklandBish Vegas. Nobody's winning. | 95 |
| 53 | OswaldtwistleOssy. Because nobody can spell the rest. | 95 |
| 54 | Cudworth and ShaftonDon't call it Cuddy. | 95 |
| 55 | Newark-on-TrentRearrange the letters. Yes, we know. | 95 |
| 56 | SheffieldSteel City. Replacement bus service in operation. | 94 |
| 57 | BostonNice windmill. Shite roads. | 94 |
| 58 | BoltonIt's Bowton. The town centre's had it. | 94 |
| 59 | South ShieldsLovely beach. Don't look at King Street. | 94 |
| 60 | RochdaleBirthplace of the Co-op. Please come back and shop. | 94 |
| 61 | OldhamBuilt on a hill so the wind can get at everyone. | 94 |
| 62 | EllandFamous for paving slabs. Still no station. | 94 |
| 63 | BatleyHome of shoddy. Still is. | 94 |
| 64 | RhylWe know. We live here. | 94 |
| 65 | Little HultonPart of Salford. Salford keeps forgetting. | 93 |
| 66 | NottinghamRobin Hood country. Watch your back. | 93 |
| 67 | WakefieldWakey. Merrie City. Merrie my arse. | 93 |
| 68 | AudenshawDrowned the old village. Kept the fumes. | 93 |
| 69 | RawmarshFamous for chips passed through the school fence. | 93 |
| 70 | HorwichIt's Horrich. Say it right or go home. | 93 |
| 71 | GlasgowPeople make Glasgow. Mostly they make a mess. | 93 |
| 72 | MansfieldHome of the Stags. The shops have wandered off. | 93 |
| 73 | SwintonThe council works here. You'd never guess. | 93 |
| 74 | Staines-upon-ThamesUpon-Thames hasn't fooled anyone. | 93 |
| 75 joint | BlaydonFamous song. Shite town. | 92 |
| 75 joint | MexboroughThe banks have gone. The flies haven't. | 92 |
| 77 | BlackpoolLights on. Don't look too close. | 92 |
| 78 | PontefractPonte Carlo. It isn't. | 92 |
| 79 | BlackwoodWide high street. Plenty of room for the empty shops. | 92 |
| 80 | WalsallMeet you by the hippo. Nothing else to do. | 92 |
| 81 | HaringeyCrouch End is not a village. It's been told. | 92 |
| 82 | DinningtonDinno. Regeneration coming, apparently. | 92 |
| 83 | BootleBrutal Bootle. We didn't pick the name. | 92 |
| 84 | HackneyThe bollards stay. Deal with it. | 92 |
| 85 | CarmarthenOldest town in Wales. Longest roadworks, too. | 91 |
| 86 | South ElmsallOur best feature is a fossil. It's very old. | 91 |
| 87 | BentleyNot that Bentley. Never that Bentley. | 91 |
| 88 | BrentEvent day. Again. Sorry. | 91 |
| 89 | WombwellThe dogs and the speedway went. The vape shops came. | 91 |
| 90 | Ashton-under-LyneMarket town. The locals call it Trashton. | 91 |
| 91 | MiddletonWe're not Rochdale. Please stop saying we're Rochdale. | 91 |
| 92 | FleetwoodCod Army. The fish have gone. | 91 |
| 93 | HillingdonRuislip Lido. It's not the seaside. We know. | 91 |
| 94 | CroydonThe Westfield's coming. Any year now. | 91 |
| 95 | EalingQueen of the Suburbs. Ignore the bin bags. | 90 |
| 96 | GatesheadThe Heed. It's not Newcastle. We know. | 90 |
| 97 | LlanelliGreat at rugby. The town centre's buggered. | 90 |
| 98 | Sutton in AshfieldNo sundial. No sun. No shops. | 90 |
| 99 | CleckheatonSomebody nicked our station. Lock your car. | 90 |
| 100 | WednesburyWe kept the steelworks gates. The steelworks went. | 90 |
Towns of 10,000 people or more, London borough by borough. A town marked = is level with the one above it. How the score works.