Crap Towns / Greater London / Hillingdon
Hillingdon
91/100Crap Score
93rd crappest of 984 towns, and 9th in Greater London. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Uxbridge reckons it's Buckinghamshire.
Heathrow sits on the bottom of the borough, and Uxbridge sits on the top pretending it's in the Chilterns.
Hillingdon's got Heathrow on the doorstep and still can't run a bus from West Drayton to Uxbridge that turns up. Hayes used to press records and now presses nothing. Ruislip's got a lido with a sandy beach, which is as close as anyone round here gets to the seaside without going through security.
You can taste the airport. The nitrogen dioxide comes in at nearly twice the typical town, there are 45 places on the Heritage at Risk register, and 8 public pools have shut since 2010. Uxbridge reckons it's in Buckinghamshire. Buckinghamshire hasn't been told.
The takeaways are the real horror, with low hygiene ratings at over four times the typical town's share. The council tax is cheap, mind, £2,045 for a Band D. You get what you pay for.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hillingdon's 98 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 98% of towns.
- Food hygiene98/1008.4% rated 0 to 2, of the 1,743 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution96/10015.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 8.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour91/10028.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping90/10027.7 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Hillingdon council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions78/1003.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires56/100
- Criminal damage and arson53/1007.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband42/1007.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.1% across the Hillingdon council area
- Sewage spills18/10033.3 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain14/100115 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 5 | Lambeth | 95 |
| 6 | Haringey | 92 |
| 7 | Hackney | 92 |
| 8 | Brent | 91 |
| 9 | Hillingdon | 91 |
| 10 | Croydon | 91 |
| 11 | Ealing | 90 |
| 12 | Newham | 90 |
| 13 | Southwark | 89 |
Hillingdon by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 98.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 30% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 64 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 2.1 per 10,000 people, 38% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 31 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 78 pubs, 70 hairdressers, 13 charity shops, 14 bookmakers, 5 vape shops, 15 banks, 4 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 16.3% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (42 of 258) Worse: 4.1x the typical town's 4.0%
- 9 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 2.9 per 100,000 people, 15% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 1 library shut for good since 2010: Harlington Library (2023)
- 39 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 19% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 18 public swimming pools open; 8 closed for good since 2010 Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
- 45 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 1.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.4x the typical town's 0.5%
- 17.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 14% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,656 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Hillingdon council
Have a crap-off
Hillingdon against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.