Crap Towns / Surrey / Staines-upon-Thames
Staines-upon-Thames
93/100Crap Score
74th crappest of 984 towns, and the crappest in Surrey. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Just Staines.
They added upon-Thames to make it sound posh. Everyone still calls it Staines.
Staines stuck upon-Thames on the end of its name to sound posh, and nobody's fallen for it. The High Street is takeaways and hairdressers, the traffic is solid and the river floods. Ali G was from here. That's still the best thing anyone's said about it.
The bad crashes happen at 2.3 times the typical town's rate, and there's 1.8 times the typical town's nitrogen dioxide in the air. Drug crime is running at over four times the typical town's. Upon-Thames, they said.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Staines-upon-Thames's 98 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 98% of towns.
- Serious road collisions98/1005.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution94/10014.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson85/10010.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour82/10022.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Food hygiene75/1004.1% rated 0 to 2, of the 196 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills67/100551 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping65/10013.7 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Spelthorne council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Broadband55/1009.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 7.8% across the Spelthorne council area
- Deliberate fires22/100
- Rain8/100112 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Staines-upon-Thames | 93 |
| 2 | Redhill | 84 |
| 3 | Horley | 80 |
| 4 | Leatherhead | 79 |
| 5 | Byfleet | 78 |
| 6 | Chertsey | 72 |
| 7 | Addlestone | 67 |
| 8 | Egham | 67 |
| 9 | Reigate | 67 |
Staines-upon-Thames by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 128 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 1.7x the typical town's 76.2
- 813 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 381 per 10,000 people, 112.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 12 pubs, 20 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 6 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 5.9% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 17) Worse: 48% higher than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 9.4 per 100,000 people, 2.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 8 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.8 per 10,000 people, 2.4x the typical town's 1.6
- 4 public swimming pools open; 3 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.9 per 10,000 people, 2.7x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 1.14am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3x the typical town's 0.5%
- 30.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,695 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 11% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Spelthorne council
Have a crap-off
Staines-upon-Thames against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.