Crap Towns / Greater Manchester / Heywood
Heywood
97/100Crap Score
30th crappest of 984 towns, and 6th in Greater Manchester. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Heywood? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
They've heard the tail joke.
Monkey Town, where the pub stools supposedly had holes cut in them for the tails.
The rest of the borough calls it Monkey Town, and the story goes that the pubs cut holes in their stools for the locals' tails. Heywood has heard it, thanks. These days it's warehouses off the motorway and wagons up Middleton Road.
Food businesses are more than four times as likely as the typical town's to be rated 0 to 2 by the hygiene inspectors, and one in ten takeaways is too. Some idiot sets fire to a bin nearly seven times as often as in the typical town. You get rain on 172 days a year. There's one hairdresser, so the tails go untrimmed.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Heywood's 96 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Food hygiene96/10010.1% rated 0 to 2, of the 189 food businesses with a rating
- Rain94/100172 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping88/10023.7 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Rochdale council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires86/10016.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution81/10012.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson71/1008.7 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Sewage spills71/100621 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Serious road collisions69/1003.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour60/10016.7 per 1,000 people a year, July 2023 to June 2026
- Broadband37/1005.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 8.0% across the Rochdale council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 2 | Salford | 99 |
| 3 | Clifton | 98 |
| 4 | Farnworth | 98 |
| 5 | Eccles | 98 |
| 6 | Heywood | 97 |
| 7 | Kearsley | 96 |
| 8 | Walkden | 95 |
| 9 | Bolton | 94 |
| 10 | Rochdale | 94 |
Heywood by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 102 crimes per 1,000 people a year (July 2023 to June 2026) Worse: 34% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 24 reports of fly-tipping on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 8.1 per 10,000 people, 7.4x the typical town's 1.1
- 8 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 8 pubs, 1 hairdresser, 1 bookmaker on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 10.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (5 of 50) Worse: 2.5x the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 About the same: 3.4 per 100,000 people, about the same as the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.7 per 10,000 people, 56% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open; 2 closed for good since 2010 About the same: 0.7 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 1.21am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 40% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 23.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.5x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,322 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
Rochdale council
Have a crap-off
Heywood against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.