Crap Towns / South Lanarkshire / Hamilton
Hamilton
95/100Crap Score
46th crappest of 984 towns, and the crappest in South Lanarkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Hamilton. Don't eat in.
They knocked down the palace and kept the tomb. Then they let the town centre go the same way.
Hamilton had a palace. The coal mines underneath made it sink, so they knocked it down and kept the mausoleum, which has the longest echo of any building in the world. Shout in there and it shouts back for fifteen seconds. Shout in the precinct and there's nobody about to hear you.
It's the crappest town in South Lanarkshire, and the food's a big part of it. The inspectors told more than three times the typical Scottish town's share of its kitchens to improve, and 40% of the takeaways. Shoplifting runs at more than twice the typical Scottish town's rate, and serious crashes at one and a half times. Accies can argue with Motherwell about the football. Nobody's arguing with those kitchens.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hamilton's 97 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 97% of towns.
- Food hygiene97/10016.8% told to improve, of the 328 food businesses inspected
- Serious road collisions90/1002.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour87/10013.0 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Rain86/100163 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires76/10033.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills68/100555 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Criminal damage and arson66/1008.2 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Broadband64/10010.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.7% across the South Lanarkshire council area
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Air pollution19/1006.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Hamilton | 95 |
| 2 | Rutherglen | 88 |
| 3 | Blantyre | 85 |
| 4 | Larkhall | 82 |
| 5 | Cambuslang | 62 |
| 6 | East Kilbride | 59 |
| 7 | Carluke | 52 |
Hamilton by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 69.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 28% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 4 problems reported on FixMyStreet in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.7 per 10,000 people, 97% lower than the typical Scottish town's 20.1
What's left on the high street
- 19 pubs, 13 hairdressers, 8 charity shops, 3 bookmakers, 2 vape shops, 5 banks, 3 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 40.0% of takeaways inspected told to improve (20 of 50) Worse: 4.4x the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.7 per 10,000 people, 56% lower than the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.46am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 40% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 18.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,342 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 12% lower than the typical town's 1,532
South Lanarkshire council
- £1,468 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £185 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of South Lanarkshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 87 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 26.6 per 100,000 residents, 23% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 94.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Hamilton against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.