Crap Towns / South Lanarkshire / Larkhall
Larkhall
82/100Crap Score
Locals call it Larky.
177th crappest of 984 towns, and 4th in South Lanarkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Larkhall. Mind the windows.
An old pit and weaving town on the Avon, with a fine disused viaduct and a habit of smashing things.
Larkhall's grandest bit of engineering is a viaduct over Morgan Glen that hasn't carried a train in decades. The leisure centre's falling apart, the old library's empty and the bank's announced it's off. The football team plays at Gasworks Park. That's its actual name.
The vandals keep busy. Criminal damage runs at one and a half times the typical Scottish town's rate, and deliberate fires nearly doubled in two years, from 28.4 per 10,000 people to 52.4. Locals will defend the main street to anyone who'll listen.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Larkhall's 89 for rain means it's crapper than 89% of towns.
- Rain89/100166 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson86/10010.8 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Deliberate fires82/10037.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions81/1002.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour70/10011.1 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Food hygiene61/1006.7% told to improve, of the 90 food businesses inspected
- Sewage spills58/100384 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Broadband44/1005.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.7% across the South Lanarkshire council area
- Air pollution9/1005.2 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Hamilton | 95 |
| 2 | Rutherglen | 88 |
| 3 | Blantyre | 85 |
| 4 | Larkhall | 82 |
| 5 | Cambuslang | 62 |
| 6 | East Kilbride | 59 |
| 7 | Carluke | 52 |
Larkhall by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 57.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (January 2023 to December 2025) Worse: 6% higher than the typical Scottish town's 54.4
- 1 problem reported on FixMyStreet in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.7 per 10,000 people, 97% lower than the typical Scottish town's 20.1
What's left on the high street
- 8 pubs, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 6.3% of takeaways inspected told to improve (1 of 16) Better: 31% lower than the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 6.5 per 100,000 people, 1.9x the typical town's 3.4
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.33pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 40% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 9.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 37% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,314 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
South Lanarkshire council
- £1,468 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £185 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of South Lanarkshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 87 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 26.6 per 100,000 residents, 23% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 94.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Larkhall against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.