Crap Towns / South Lanarkshire / Carluke
Carluke
52/100Crap Score
476th crappest of 984 towns, and 7th in South Lanarkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Carluke? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Carluke. Don't eat the ham.
The town of the Jam and Ham Festival, where half the takeaways inspected were told to improve.
Carluke grew fruit, made jam and cured ham, and it throws a Jam and Ham Festival to remind you. Then the food inspectors came round. 16.4% of its food businesses were told to improve, three times the typical Scottish town's share, and so were half the takeaways inspected.
It also claims the world's biggest empire biscuit, which is the sort of thing a town brags about when its High Street's half empty. Locals reckon Lanark gets all the council money. There are 2 pubs and a Greggs, and that's your night out.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Carluke's 91 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Food hygiene91/10016.4% told to improve, of the 61 food businesses inspected
- Rain89/100165 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills79/100862 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Deliberate fires62/10026.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Anti-social behaviour45/1007.4 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Broadband37/1004.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.7% across the South Lanarkshire council area
- Criminal damage and arson36/1006.0 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Serious road collisions17/1001.1 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution4/1004.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Hamilton | 95 |
| 2 | Rutherglen | 88 |
| 3 | Blantyre | 85 |
| 4 | Larkhall | 82 |
| 5 | Cambuslang | 62 |
| 6 | East Kilbride | 59 |
| 7 | Carluke | 52 |
Carluke by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
What's left on the high street
- 2 pubs, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 50.0% of takeaways inspected told to improve (5 of 10) Worse: 5.5x the typical Scottish town's 9.1%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 7.1 per 100,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 5 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.5 per 10,000 people, 2.2x the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.43pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 4.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 69% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,265 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 17% lower than the typical town's 1,532
South Lanarkshire council
- £1,468 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £185 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of South Lanarkshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 87 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 26.6 per 100,000 residents, 23% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 94.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Carluke against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.