Crap Towns / South Lanarkshire / Stonehouse
Stonehouse
30/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 30. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Stonehouse. The new town they cancelled.
Picked to be Scotland's next new town in the seventies, then dropped. It kept the concrete elephants.
Stonehouse was going to be a new town until the government changed its mind in 1976 and sent the money to Glasgow instead. What it got out of it was some houses and a herd of concrete elephants, which beats ending up like Cumbernauld. Over half the village lives more than 400 metres from a park, and the storm overflows spilled for eight and a half times the typical town's hours. Hardly anything gets broken or nicked, mind. Too wet to bother, probably.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Stonehouse's 96 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Sewage spills96/1002,350 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain93/100171 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene75/10012.5% told to improve, of the 24 food businesses inspected
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Serious road collisions21/1001.1 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires18/1008.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Broadband17/1000.6% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.7% across the South Lanarkshire council area
- Anti-social behaviour16/1005.0 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Criminal damage and arson5/1003.4 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Air pollution2/1003.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.5 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Hamilton | 95 |
| 2 | Rutherglen | 88 |
| 3 | Blantyre | 85 |
| 4 | Larkhall | 82 |
| 5 | Cambuslang | 62 |
| 6 | East Kilbride | 59 |
| 7 | Carluke | 52 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.– | Stonehouse | 30 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Stonehouse by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.50pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- Under 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: Far lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 54.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.5x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,329 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 13% lower than the typical town's 1,532
South Lanarkshire council
- £1,468 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £185 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of South Lanarkshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 87 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 26.6 per 100,000 residents, 23% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 94.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Stonehouse against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.