Crap Towns / Merseyside / Birkenhead
Birkenhead
96/100Crap Score
Scousers call them Plastic Scousers.
45th crappest of 984 towns, and 2nd in Merseyside. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Birkenhead? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
The best view is of Liverpool.
Helped inspire Central Park. Hasn't inspired anyone since.
Birkenhead Park was the model for Central Park in New York, and Birko has banged on about it ever since. It worked out well for New York. Birkenhead got empty shops, a market that keeps getting shunted about and regeneration promises nobody believes any more. Somebody painted the road markings orange, and now the junctions look like giant Wotsits.
Some bright spark sets a fire here 4.6 times as often as in the typical town, bins and grass mostly. Serious crashes come in at 1.7 times the typical town's rate and two libraries have gone. The evening buses barely exist, under a tenth of the typical town's after seven, so once it's dark you're stuck in Birkenvegas whether you like it or not.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Birkenhead's 93 for deliberate fires means it's crapper than 93% of towns.
- Deliberate fires93/10026.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Serious road collisions91/1004.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson86/10010.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Food hygiene82/1004.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 645 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping73/10015.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wirral council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills71/100629 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain71/100146 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour70/10012.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution48/1009.2 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband12/1003.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.6% across the Wirral council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Liverpool | 98 |
| 2 | Birkenhead | 96 |
| 3 | Bootle | 92 |
| 4 | St Helens | 90 |
| 5 | Kirkby | 86 |
| 6 | Wallasey | 86 |
| 7 | Prescot | 83 |
| 8 | Huyton with Roby | 78 |
| 9 | Newton-le-Willows | 66 |
Birkenhead by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 105 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 38% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 4 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 0.4 per 10,000 people, 88% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 3 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 46 pubs, 30 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 11 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 8 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 5.7% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (7 of 122) Worse: 43% higher than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 1.8 per 100,000 people, 47% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 2 libraries shut for good since 2010: Prenton (2022) and Woodchurch (2022)
- 7 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 63% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 6 public swimming pools open; 2 closed for good since 2010 Worse: 0.5 per 10,000 people, 29% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
- 4 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.39am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 30.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,513 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Wirral council
- £2,501 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £109 more than the English average
- 11% of Wirral council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 31% lower than England's 16%
- 24 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Birkenhead against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.