Crap Towns / Essex / Maldon
Maldon
6/100Crap Score
Known as Maldon-in-the-Mud.
921st crappest of 984 towns, and 31st in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Maldon. Famous for mud and salt.
They race through the mud for fun. The rest of the year they go on about the salt.
Maldon is an old town on the Blackwater, famous for posh sea salt and a race where grown adults charge through the mud in fancy dress. There's rain on 104 days a year, so the mud's all from the river. Tesco opened its first supermarket here, which is the other thing they'll tell you about.
The banks weren't sold on the salt. Barclays, Halifax, NatWest and Santander have each announced a closure since 2022, five times the typical town's rate. Greggs stayed, at three times the typical town per head, which is where you'll find everyone not buying the salt. There's no railway station, so once you're in, you're staying.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Maldon's 77 for broadband means it's crapper than 77% of towns.
- Broadband77/10010.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.8% across the Maldon council area
- Air pollution60/1008.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills53/100307 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene34/1001.8% rated 0 to 2, of the 169 food businesses with a rating
- Criminal damage and arson24/1005.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping18/1006.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Maldon council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions18/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour11/1005.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires9/1002.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain0/100104 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 25 | Brentwood | 17 |
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
Maldon by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 64.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 15% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 3 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 62% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 14 pubs, 23 hairdressers, 8 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 2 banks, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 3.2% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 31) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 4.0%
- 4 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 17.1 per 100,000 people, 5x the typical town's 3.4
- 6 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.6 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 0.9 per 10,000 people, 29% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.49pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 21.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 41% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,722 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 12% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Maldon council
- £2,328 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £64 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 3 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Maldon against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.