Crap Towns / Essex / Saffron Walden
Saffron Walden
1/100Crap Score
977th crappest of 984 towns, and 32nd in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Pretty. Dead. Pretty dead.
Very pretty and nothing happens. Ever. Locals call it Suffering Boredom.
Saffron Walden is lovely. Old timber houses, a castle ruin, a turf maze on the common and gardens worth a look. Nobody commits any crime and nobody fly-tips. The teenagers have nothing to do, so they call it Suffering Boredom.
The banks got bored too. Barclays, Halifax, Lloyds and Santander have all announced closures since 2022, seven times the typical town's rate. There are 18 buses on a whole Sunday and hardly a public loo, so a day out needs planning and a strong bladder.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Saffron Walden's 87 for broadband means it's crapper than 87% of towns.
- Broadband87/10016.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.1% across the Uttlesford council area
- Air pollution43/1006.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene23/1001.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 101 food businesses with a rating
- Rain18/100116 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills18/10033.3 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Serious road collisions16/1001.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires12/1002.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson11/1004.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour6/1004.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping3/1003.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Uttlesford council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 25 | Brentwood | 17 |
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
| 33 | South Woodham Ferrers | 0 |
Saffron Walden by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 41.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 46% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 2 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.2 per 10,000 people, 33% higher than the typical town's 0.9
What's left on the high street
- 10 pubs, 7 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 6 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 11) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 4 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 24.1 per 100,000 people, 7.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 63% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.2 per 10,000 people, 1.7x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.23pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.2x the typical town's 0.5%
- 11.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 29% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,584 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Uttlesford council
- £2,334 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £58 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 1 ombudsman complaint upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Saffron Walden against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.