Crap Towns / Buckinghamshire / Hazlemere
Hazlemere
2/100Crap Score
967th crappest of 984 towns, and 13th in Buckinghamshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Not crap. Just dull.
Safe, clean, expensive and boring. There isn't really a middle to it.
Hazlemere's barely crap, and it's dull as dishwater. No crime to speak of, no crashes, no sewage worth a mention. It used to turn chair legs in the woods. Now it's a load of expensive houses round a crossroads that's meant to be the centre. The big event is the August bank holiday fete, and nothing comes second.
The one thing it's bad at is broadband. Nearly a quarter of premises can't get gigabit, so the people sat at home with nothing to do can't even stream it properly. We tried. We really tried.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hazlemere's 93 for broadband means it's crapper than 93% of towns.
- Broadband93/10023.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 18.0% across the Buckinghamshire council area
- Air pollution59/1007.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Rain51/100128 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene32/1001.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 75 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping27/1007.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Buckinghamshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires23/1003.7 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson2/1002.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Serious road collisions2/1000.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour1/1003.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 5 | Amersham | 34 |
| 6 | Newport Pagnell | 19 |
| 7 | Flackwell Heath and Wooburn Green | 13 |
| 8 | Aylesbury | 10 |
| 9 | Buckingham | 8 |
| 10 | Marlow | 6 |
| 11 | Chalfont St Peter | 5 |
| 12 | Beaconsfield | 3 |
| 13 | Hazlemere | 2 |
Hazlemere by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 30.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 655 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 327 per 10,000 people, 96.2x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 12 pubs, 9 hairdressers, 3 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 2 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 5.0 per 100,000 people, 47% higher than the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.5 per 10,000 people, 69% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Worse: 0.5 per 10,000 people, 29% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.01am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 28.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.9x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,556 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Buckinghamshire council
Have a crap-off
Hazlemere against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.