Crap Towns / Buckinghamshire / Marlow
Marlow
6/100Crap Score
923rd crappest of 984 towns, and 10th in Buckinghamshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Round the block again for a space.
A nice bridge, a lot of rowing and nowhere to put the car.
Marlow is about as far from crap as towns get and charges accordingly. Nice bridge, nice river, regattas and houses that cost a fortune. The only thing anybody moans about is parking. There isn't any, they want meters on what there is, and the High Street's a queue.
Marlovians have the suspension bridge, the Marlow Donkey and the rowing, and they won't let you forget any of it. HSBC, Lloyds and NatWest have all shut a branch, at six times the typical town's rate, but there are 15 pubs and charity shops at over three times the typical town's rate per head, so the money's still going somewhere. Not one storm overflow nearby spilled in three years. Even the river's smug.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Marlow's 68 for air pollution means it's crapper than 68% of towns.
- Air pollution68/1009.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband61/1005.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 18.0% across the Buckinghamshire council area
- Food hygiene52/1002.5% rated 0 to 2, of the 118 food businesses with a rating
- Rain35/100122 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping27/1007.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Buckinghamshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions23/1001.7 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires20/1003.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson12/1004.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour11/1005.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 5 | Amersham | 34 |
| 6 | Newport Pagnell | 19 |
| 7 | Flackwell Heath and Wooburn Green | 13 |
| 8 | Aylesbury | 10 |
| 9 | Buckingham | 8 |
| 10 | Marlow | 6 |
| 11 | Chalfont St Peter | 5 |
| 12 | Beaconsfield | 3 |
| 13 | Hazlemere | 2 |
Marlow by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 52.0 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 32% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 337 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 230 per 10,000 people, 67.6x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2017
What's left on the high street
- 15 pubs, 15 hairdressers, 7 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 10) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 20.5 per 100,000 people, 6x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.7 per 10,000 people, 1.7x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.49pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 60% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 12.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 17% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,588 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Buckinghamshire council
Have a crap-off
Marlow against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.