Crap Towns / Buckinghamshire / Beaconsfield
Beaconsfield
3/100Crap Score
950th crappest of 984 towns, and 12th in Buckinghamshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Posher than you. They'll tell you.
Old Town, New Town, a model village and a lot of people who think they're better than you.
Beaconsfield has an Old Town, a New Town and the world's oldest model village, in case the real one wasn't up itself enough. It's clean, safe and the food won't kill you. That and the attitude. Snooty as hell.
The banks couldn't stand it either. They've shut 5 branches since 2022, over ten times the typical town's rate, and what's moved in is Greggs, at nearly five times the typical town's per head. Half the town lives further than 400 metres from a park or play area, so the kids go and look down on the model village instead.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Beaconsfield's 91 for broadband means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Broadband91/10021.6% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 18.0% across the Buckinghamshire council area
- Air pollution79/10010.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.4 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Rain45/100125 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires41/1005.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping27/1007.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Buckinghamshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Criminal damage and arson23/1005.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions13/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour7/1005.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Food hygiene4/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 115 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 5 | Amersham | 34 |
| 6 | Newport Pagnell | 19 |
| 7 | Flackwell Heath and Wooburn Green | 13 |
| 8 | Aylesbury | 10 |
| 9 | Buckingham | 8 |
| 10 | Marlow | 6 |
| 11 | Chalfont St Peter | 5 |
| 12 | Beaconsfield | 3 |
| 13 | Hazlemere | 2 |
Beaconsfield by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 54.8 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 28% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 405 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 286 per 10,000 people, 84.1x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 13 hairdressers, 6 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 3 banks, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 5 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 35.3 per 100,000 people, 10.4x the typical town's 3.4
- 6 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.2 per 10,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 1.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.2x the typical town's 0.5%
- 50.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,602 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Buckinghamshire council
Have a crap-off
Beaconsfield against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.