Legoland. Still building.

Ingleby Barwick is a massive estate of houses that all look the same, and locals call it Toytown or Legoland. It's safe and quiet. The trouble is getting out. Rush hour's a queue to leave, the schools and doctors are full, there's not much to do and they keep building more houses on whatever green bits are left. Lego, basically.

Nobody does anything wrong. Crime's under half the typical town's and the vandalism about a third, which is what happens when everyone's indoors. There's 1 public toilet for the whole estate, and Stockton council recycles less than a quarter of the bins. They found a Roman villa under it once. The Romans had more going on.

The editor, whose satnav gave up in a cul-de-sac