Crap Towns / Hampshire / Alton
Alton
9/100Crap Score
894th crappest of 984 towns, and 25th in Hampshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Who signed off the marmot?
Nice town, steam trains, no trouble. Then every Christmas a massive marmot lights up.
Alton? Yeah, it's nice. Annoyingly nice. Steam trains, old breweries, hardly any crime, and next to nobody sets fire to anything. So every Christmas they stick up a massive glowing marmot and have a row about it instead. Nobody knows why it's a marmot. It just turns up, lit, and half the town goes mental on Facebook.
The High Street's going the way of every High Street, with nearly three times the typical town's charity shops per head. HSBC and NatWest have shut their branches. The last bus home is at 11.23pm, so if the marmot row carries on in the pub, you're walking home. But the marmot, though.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Alton's 79 for broadband means it's crapper than 79% of towns.
- Broadband79/1007.4% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 26.2% across the East Hampshire council area
- Rain56/100131 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene45/1002.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 92 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping45/10010.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, East Hampshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills31/10099.5 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution26/1006.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson26/1005.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions11/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour9/1008.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires1/1001.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 21 | Romsey | 11 |
| 22 | Farnborough | 10 |
| 23 | West End | 10 |
| 24 | Locks Heath | 9 |
| 25 | Alton | 9 |
| 26 | Hythe and Dibden Purlieu | 6 |
| 27 | South Hayling | 5 |
| 28 | Hedge End | 4 |
| 29 | Horndean | 3 |
Alton by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 59.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 21% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 115 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 64.3 per 10,000 people, 18.9x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 12 pubs, 12 hairdressers, 7 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 4 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 14) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 11.2 per 100,000 people, 3.3x the typical town's 3.4
- 6 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.4 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 1.6
- 3 public swimming pools open; 2 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 2.4x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.23pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 19.9% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 28% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,648 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
East Hampshire council
- £2,344 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £48 less than the English average
- 8% of Hampshire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 50% lower than England's 16%
- 4 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Alton against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.