Ashtead. Nothing ever happens.

Ashtead is posh, leafy and so quiet you can hear the house prices going up. Crime's well under half the typical town's, hardly anyone sets fire to anything and the vandals never bothered turning up. Locals call it Ashdead, which is the best joke anyone there has ever made.

There's a common full of old oaks with a Roman villa under it, and nearly half the place still lives more than 400 metres from a park or play space. Ashtead Park has made the Heritage at Risk register. The last bus goes at 9.33pm and there are 3 pubs, so the night's over early. When the level crossing breaks, the north side gets cut off. Nobody notices.

The editor, who was home before dark