Who? No, Hoo.

Hoo St Werburgh is a village on the marshes with a fort out in the river and fields disappearing under new houses every year. Nobody's built any roads to go with them, so Four Elms Hill is a queue and the buses are rubbish. And everyone asks Hoo?

It barely rains, 106 days a year, and it's got public pools at over three times the typical town's rate per head, so it's not short of water either way. The air's over the health guidelines for both nitrogen dioxide and fine particles, though, so the estuary birds are breathing the same shite you are. Medway's fly-tippers do the rest.

The editor, who got asked Hoo? once too often