Crap Towns / Surrey / Cobham
Cobham
27/100Crap Score
717th crappest of 984 towns, and 26th in Surrey. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Cobham? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Footballers? Stuck in traffic with you.
Chelsea train here. Everyone else is sat on the A3.
Cobham is where Chelsea train, so it's posh, quiet and full of cars that cost more than your house. The school run gridlocks the village and any bother on the M25 or the A3 comes straight through the middle. There's a working watermill on the Mole. It's moving faster than you are.
For all that money, nearly a third of premises can't get gigabit broadband, so the mansions are buffering. The buses stop at 9.56pm and there's next to nothing after 7pm anyway. Nobody in Cobham has been on a bus since school.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Cobham's 96 for broadband means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Broadband96/10031.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 15.3% across the Elmbridge council area
- Air pollution79/10010.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions54/1002.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Sewage spills52/100295 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping41/1009.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Elmbridge council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene31/1001.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 77 food businesses with a rating
- Deliberate fires28/100
- Rain22/100118 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson10/1004.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour7/1007.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 22 | Farnham | 38 |
| 23 | Sunbury-on-Thames | 34 |
| 24 | Camberley | 31 |
| 25 | Epsom | 29 |
| 26 | Cobham | 27 |
| 27 | Cranleigh | 26 |
| 28 | Ewell | 26 |
| 29 | Haslemere | 23 |
| 30 | West Molesey | 23 |
Cobham by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 47.3 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 38% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 633 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 362 per 10,000 people, 106.5x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 10 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 5.7 per 100,000 people, 1.7x the typical town's 3.4
- 10 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 5.7 per 10,000 people, 3.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.56pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.4x the typical town's 0.5%
- 46.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,633 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 7% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Elmbridge council
Have a crap-off
Cobham against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.