Crap Towns / Surrey / Epsom
Epsom
29/100Crap Score
696th crappest of 984 towns, and 25th in Surrey. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Epsom. Famous for salts.
The Derby once a year, and the salts that made the town famous for sending people to the loo.
Epsom gave the world the Derby and Epsom salts, which are a laxative. The football club are the Salts, and some people call them the Shitters, which fits. The shops are bookies and banks, and the main road runs straight through the middle of them. Posh, mind.
The town centre's officially at risk, all of it. The pollution record shows 23 serious incidents in or round the town since 2016, and bikes get nicked at about three times the typical town's rate. Not one of its kitchens is rated 0 to 2, which in a town named after a laxative is a relief.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Epsom's 86 for air pollution means it's crapper than 86% of towns.
- Air pollution86/10011.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions76/1003.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour69/10018.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson55/1007.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires38/100
- Broadband28/1005.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 4.1% across the Epsom and Ewell council area
- Fly-tipping22/1005.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Epsom and Ewell council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain13/100115 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Sewage spills9/1005.1 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene1/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 186 food businesses with a rating
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 21 | Stanwell | 43 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.22 | Farnham | 38 |
| 23 | Sunbury-on-Thames | 34 |
| 24 | Camberley | 31 |
| 25 | Epsom | 29 |
| 26 | Cobham | 27 |
| 27 | Cranleigh | 26 |
| 28 | Ewell | 26 |
| 29 | Haslemere | 23 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Epsom by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 83.3 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 9% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 1,621 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 452 per 10,000 people, 132.9x the typical town's 3.4
- 23 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 16 pubs, 13 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 3 bookmakers, 8 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 29) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Better: 2.8 per 100,000 people, 18% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 9 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.5 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 7 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 2.0 per 10,000 people, 2.9x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.54am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 17.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 10% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,625 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 6% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Epsom and Ewell council
Have a crap-off
Epsom against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.