Crap Towns / Surrey / Haslemere
Haslemere
23/100Crap Score
759th crappest of 984 towns, and 29th in Surrey. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Someone's in your space again.
Posh Surrey town where the worst crime is someone else's car in your space.
Haslemere's posh, quiet and nothing ever happens. Locals call it The Smear, or Nasal Smear, which is the most exciting thing about it. The moans are all cars: Wey Hill jammed, parking charges going up, commuters nicking the spaces, and a long row about the Fairground car park.
It's got 15 hairdressers, and charity shops at nearly five times the typical town's rate per head, so the High Street is a blow-dry and a rummage. Over a quarter of premises can't get gigabit broadband, so working from home is a gamble too. The last bus pulls out at 9.48pm. It's Surrey, mate.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Haslemere's 97 for broadband means it's crapper than 97% of towns.
- Broadband97/10028.6% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 28.9% across the Waverley council area
- Sewage spills74/100708 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain56/100131 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Serious road collisions48/1002.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene38/1001.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 63 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution28/1006.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping17/1005.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Waverley council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Anti-social behaviour16/1009.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson12/1004.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires10/100
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 25 | Epsom | 29 |
| 26 | Cobham | 27 |
| 27 | Cranleigh | 26 |
| 28 | Ewell | 26 |
| 29 | Haslemere | 23 |
| 30 | West Molesey | 23 |
| 31 | Farncombe | 23 |
| 32 | Godalming | 22 |
| 33 | Ash and Ash Vale | 19 |
Haslemere by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 47.1 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 38% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1,433 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1,204 per 10,000 people, 354.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 15 hairdressers, 8 charity shops, 1 vape shop, 1 bank, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 banking hub opened here
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.4 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 2.4x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.48pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.4x the typical town's 0.5%
- 15.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space About the same: About the same as the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,648 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Waverley council
Have a crap-off
Haslemere against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.