Crap Towns / Surrey / Esher
Esher
61/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 61. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Dual carriageway with a Waitrose
Expensive houses, racehorses and a High Street that's basically a dual carriageway.
Esher thinks it's very posh. Racecourse, landscape gardens, houses that cost a fortune. The High Street's a main road full of lorries and the station's miles out of town. Serious crashes come in at over three times the typical town's rate, which is what you get for running a dual carriageway past a Waitrose.
For all that money, 2.6 times the typical town's share of its kitchens are rated 0 to 2, and the river gets more sewage than most. The Belvedere up at Claremont is officially at risk. About half the town lives more than 400 metres from a park, but they can all see the racecourse.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Esher's 99 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 99% of towns.
- Serious road collisions99/1007.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution88/10012.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband88/10019.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 15.3% across the Elmbridge council area
- Sewage spills80/100904 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene79/1006.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 64 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping41/1009.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Elmbridge council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires38/100
- Rain10/100114 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour6/1007.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson4/1003.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 6 | Chertsey | 72 |
| 7 | Addlestone | 67 |
| 8 | Egham | 67 |
| 9 | Reigate | 67 |
| – | Esher | 61 |
| 10 | Woking | 60 |
| 11 | Walton-on-Thames | 59 |
| 12 | Oxted | 57 |
| 13 | Weybridge | 55 |
Esher by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 48.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 36% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 478 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 504 per 10,000 people, 148.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 8 hairdressers, 3 charity shops, 1 bookmaker on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 10.5 per 100,000 people, 3.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 4 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.2 per 10,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Better: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.51am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 49.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.2x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,660 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Elmbridge council
Have a crap-off
Esher against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.