Crap Towns / Wiltshire / Malmesbury
Malmesbury
20/100Crap Score
People from here are Jackdaws.
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 20. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Nice, unfortunately.
Malmesbury is a pretty hilltop town with hardly any crime. The river's the only dirty bit.
Malmesbury sits on a hill with the Avon wrapped round it and calls itself the Queen of Hilltop Towns. Bit much. It's annoyingly nice: crime at half the typical town's rate, no vandals, safe roads. The moans are cars parked on streets too narrow for them and lorries trying it anyway.
The river takes too much sewage, with the storm overflows going off for seven times the typical town's hours. The last bus goes at 7.20pm and on a Sunday there isn't one. Even the Abbey's on the Heritage at Risk list. Tetbury will be thrilled.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Malmesbury's 97 for broadband means it's crapper than 97% of towns.
- Broadband97/10031.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.1% across the Wiltshire council area
- Sewage spills93/1001,914 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain59/100133 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene54/1003.1% rated 0 to 2, of the 32 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping21/1005.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wiltshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions18/1001.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution15/1004.5 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour14/1009.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires7/1001.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson7/1003.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 7 | Chippenham | 29 |
| 8 | Calne | 24 |
| 9 | Westbury | 24 |
| 10 | Stratton St Margaret | 22 |
| – | Malmesbury | 20 |
| 11 | Amesbury | 20 |
| 12 | Royal Wootton Bassett | 16 |
| 13 | Tidworth | 11 |
| 14 | Corsham | 5 |
Malmesbury by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 38.3 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 50% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 1 hairdresser, 1 charity shop, 1 bookmaker on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.8 per 10,000 people, 1.8x the typical town's 1.6
- 1 public swimming pool open Better: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 2x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 7.20pm last bus out on a Wednesday, and none on a Sunday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.2% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.4x the typical town's 0.5%
- 29.6% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.9x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,614 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 5% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Wiltshire council
Have a crap-off
Malmesbury against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.