Crap Towns / Wiltshire / Calne
Calne
24/100Crap Score
748th crappest of 984 towns, and 8th in Wiltshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Bronze pigs and dog muck.
Calne used to make bacon. Now it's got bronze pigs, lorries and a lot of barbers.
Calne made its name curing bacon, and when the factory went it put up bronze pigs to remember it by. Now lorries squeeze through the middle of town, there's a concrete precinct at Phelps Parade nobody asked for, and there's dog muck on every pavement. More barbers than anyone needs, too.
And the smell. 15 serious pollution incidents have been recorded in or near Calne since 2016, and the latest put landfill odour in the air. Calne used to smell of bacon. Now it smells of the tip.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Calne's 86 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 86% of towns.
- Sewage spills86/1001,162 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Broadband84/10011.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.1% across the Wiltshire council area
- Food hygiene61/1003.9% rated 0 to 2, of the 52 food businesses with a rating
- Rain58/100132 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour29/10011.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution24/1006.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Fly-tipping21/1005.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wiltshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions16/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson13/1004.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires3/1001.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 4 | Swindon | 43 |
| 5 | Trowbridge | 41 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.6 | Warminster | 30 |
| 7 | Chippenham | 29 |
| 8 | Calne | 24 |
| 9 | Westbury | 24 |
| 10 | Stratton St Margaret | 22 |
| 11 | Amesbury | 20 |
| 12 | Royal Wootton Bassett | 16 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Calne by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 45.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 3 reports of broken street lights on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.5 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 0.7
- 15 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 7 pubs, 14 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 11) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 banking hub opened here
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.0 per 10,000 people, 38% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.0 per 10,000 people, 43% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.22am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 4.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 74% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,659 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Wiltshire council
Have a crap-off
Calne against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.