Crap Towns / Derbyshire / Creswell
Creswell
80/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 80. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
The cavemen were classier.
Some of the oldest cave art in Britain, and some little shit has scratched his name on it.
Creswell's got cave art from the Ice Age. Proper famous. And some idiot still went and scratched his own crap on the walls. That's Creswell. The pit's gone, the village centre's knackered and there's more aggro than a place this size should manage.
They built the Model Village round an octagonal green, back when somebody cared what the place looked like. Everyone lives a short walk from a park or play space, and the grass round them gets set alight at more than twice the typical town's rate. The pool shut in 2017. The storm overflows spill at five times the typical town's rate. In the whole of Derbyshire, only Derby scores crapper.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Creswell's 88 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 88% of towns.
- Sewage spills88/1001,372 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson85/10010.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour84/10023.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires79/10013.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping72/10015.7 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Bolsover council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Food hygiene53/1002.9% rated 0 to 2, of the 34 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution49/1006.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions37/1002.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Rain29/100120 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband20/1002.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 6.7% across the Bolsover council area
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Derby | 87 |
| – | Creswell | 80 |
| 2 | Bolsover | 76 |
| 3 | Chesterfield | 74 |
| 4 | Heanor | 64 |
| 5 | Shirebrook | 62 |
| 6 | Staveley | 61 |
| 7 | Matlock | 59 |
| 8 | South Normanton and Pinxton | 50 |
Creswell by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 102 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 34% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 2 reports of litter and bins on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 3.5 per 10,000 people, 3.9x the typical town's 0.9
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2018
What's left on the high street
- 2 pubs, 1 hairdresser on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.45pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 0.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: Against the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,525 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Bolsover council
Have a crap-off
Creswell against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.