Crap Towns / Kent / Coxheath
Coxheath
32/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 32. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Why is there custard on the window?
Coxheath holds the World Custard Pie Championships. On purpose.
Coxheath's big claim is the World Custard Pie Championships, where grown adults throw pies at each other in public. On purpose. The rest of the time it's a quiet village outside Maidstone on what used to be an army training heath, except for the drivers, who go through far too fast and park wherever they bloody like.
The broadband's crap. Gigabit only reaches about four in five premises, and 3.6 times the typical town's share can't even get superfast. If you want to watch the custard pie final, you'll have to go and stand in it.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Coxheath's 91 for broadband means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Broadband91/10020.4% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 19.5% across the Maidstone council area
- Serious road collisions79/1003.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping70/10015.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Maidstone council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Air pollution57/1007.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Deliberate fires32/1004.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Food hygiene28/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 33 food businesses with a rating
- Criminal damage and arson26/1005.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Rain13/100115 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour12/1008.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills2/1000.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 24 | Hythe | 44 |
| 25 | Tonbridge | 43 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.26 | Royal Tunbridge Wells | 39 |
| 27 | Larkfield | 38 |
| 28 | Deal | 36 |
| 29 | Herne | 32 |
| – | Coxheath | 32 |
| 30 | Sevenoaks | 27 |
| 31 | Longfield, New Ash Green and Hartley | 10 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Coxheath by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 48.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 36% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.2 per 10,000 people, 65% lower than the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 2 hairdressers, 1 charity shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 10.02pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.8% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 35.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,694 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 11% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Maidstone council
Have a crap-off
Coxheath against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.