Crap Towns / Kent / Sevenoaks
Sevenoaks
27/100Crap Score
Known as Oneoaks.
719th crappest of 984 towns, and 30th in Kent. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Sevenoaks? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Snoaks, to everyone else.
A deer park, a cricket ground and a lot of coffee shops for people who work in London.
Sevenoaks is posh Kent commuter land with Knole, a deer park, the Vine cricket ground and more coffee shops than anyone needs. Everyone gets the train to London, which costs a fortune, and comes home to houses that cost even more. The Great Storm of 1987 knocked down six of the seven oaks, so it's been Oneoaks to the neighbours ever since. Or Snoaks.
Get back late from London and you're walking, because the last bus pulls out at 8.02pm. There's no nightlife to miss anyway, and the Sunday buses barely exist. All that money, and 42% of people still live over 400 metres from a park or a swing, deer park or no deer park.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Sevenoaks's 88 for broadband means it's crapper than 88% of towns.
- Broadband88/10014.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.8% across the Sevenoaks council area
- Serious road collisions66/1002.9 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution63/1008.6 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Sewage spills48/100
- Rain35/100122 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping32/1008.1 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Sevenoaks council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Criminal damage and arson26/1005.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Food hygiene21/1001.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 164 food businesses with a rating
- Anti-social behaviour16/1009.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires16/1003.1 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 23 | Broadstairs | 47 |
| 24 | Hythe | 44 |
| 25 | Tonbridge | 43 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.26 | Royal Tunbridge Wells | 39 |
| 27 | Larkfield | 38 |
| 28 | Deal | 36 |
| 29 | Herne | 32 |
| 30 | Sevenoaks | 27 |
| 31 | Longfield, New Ash Green and Hartley | 10 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Sevenoaks by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 54.1 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 29% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 5 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.9 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 0.9
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 14 pubs, 7 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 5 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 18) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 3.8 per 100,000 people, 12% higher than the typical town's 3.4
- 12 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.5 per 10,000 people, 2.8x the typical town's 1.6
- 6 public swimming pools open; 2 closed for good since 2010 Better: 2.3 per 10,000 people, 3.3x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 8.02pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 42.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.7x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,625 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 6% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Sevenoaks council
Have a crap-off
Sevenoaks against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.