Crap Towns / Lincolnshire / Barton-upon-Humber
Barton-upon-Humber
32/100Crap Score
669th crappest of 984 towns, and 14th in Lincolnshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Lorries. Ropes. A view of Hull.
Hull's just over the water. By train it's a day out.
Barton sits at the end of the Humber Bridge, staring at Hull. Try getting to Hessle by train and you go halfway round Lincolnshire. The bridge is right there. The lorries come straight through the middle of town and the link road's still a promise.
There's a rope museum. That's your day out. 2 of its 13 rated takeaways score 0 to 2, the local firebugs are setting fire to things at nearly four times the typical town's rate, and a fair few homes can't even get superfast broadband. Bartonians stare at Hull and it stares back.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Barton-upon-Humber's 89 for deliberate fires means it's crapper than 89% of towns.
- Deliberate fires89/10021.2 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Food hygiene82/1006.1% rated 0 to 2, of the 82 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution55/1007.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions42/1002.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Sewage spills40/100181 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain40/100124 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson37/1006.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband28/1004.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 6.2% across the North Lincolnshire council area
- Anti-social behaviour25/1007.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping13/1005.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, North Lincolnshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 8 | Cleethorpes | 68 |
| 9 | Spalding | 64 |
| 10 | Grantham | 53 |
| 11 | Stamford | 46 |
| 12 | Sleaford | 45 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.13 | Humberston and New Waltham | 32 |
| 14 | Barton-upon-Humber | 32 |
| 15 | Bourne | 15 |
| 16 | North Hykeham | 13 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Barton-upon-Humber by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 62.8 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 18% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 81 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 68.0 per 10,000 people, 20x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 8 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop, 1 bank, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 15.4% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (2 of 13) Worse: 3.9x the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 8.4 per 100,000 people, 2.5x the typical town's 3.4
- 5 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 4.2 per 10,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 2.4x the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.24am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 2.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 4.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 10.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 32% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,591 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
North Lincolnshire council
- £2,348 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £44 less than the English average
- 17% of North Lincolnshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 6% higher than England's 16%
- 4 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Barton-upon-Humber against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.