No parade this year either

Spalding grows tulips, and that's most of the story. The Flower Parade keeps getting cancelled, the market's down to a few stalls, and the shops that aren't empty are charity shops or hairdressers. There are 40 hairdressers, nearly three times the typical town per head, in a place with nowhere to go once you've had your hair done.

It hardly ever rains, which suits the fly-tippers. South Holland gets nearly twice the typical council's fly-tipping, and most of it ends up on the footpaths, so the walk out to the bulb fields comes with a mattress. The bike thieves are busy as well. If yours goes, don't count on the bus home on a Sunday.

The editor, who saw a tulip and left