Crap Towns / Lincolnshire / Holbeach
Holbeach
41/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 41. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Centre of the universe, they reckon.
The Greenwich Meridian runs through Holbeach. That's about all that does.
Holbeach sits on the Greenwich Meridian, so locals call it the centre of the universe. The universe turns out to be mostly hairdressers, plus a couple of bookies and charity shops at 4.1 times the typical town's rate per head. Round the edge it's bulb fields and food factories as far as you can see, which in the Fens is a very long way.
South Holland's fly-tippers have found the footpaths and bridleways, and the council's rate runs at 1.8 times the typical English council's. Midweek there's no bus after 9.28pm and there's no public pool. For the centre of the universe it's a bloody long way from anything.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Holbeach's 83 for broadband means it's crapper than 83% of towns.
- Broadband83/10011.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.6% across the South Holland council area
- Fly-tipping81/10019.3 incidents per 1,000 people a year, South Holland council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills67/100543 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour58/10016.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson51/1007.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution30/1005.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.9 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions20/1001.5 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene19/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 52 food businesses with a rating
- Rain10/100114 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires8/1001.8 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 9 | Spalding | 64 |
| 10 | Grantham | 53 |
| 11 | Stamford | 46 |
| 12 | Sleaford | 45 |
| – | Holbeach | 41 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.13 | Humberston and New Waltham | 32 |
| 14 | Barton-upon-Humber | 32 |
| 15 | Bourne | 15 |
| 16 | North Hykeham | 13 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Holbeach by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 68.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 10% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 141 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 161 per 10,000 people, 47.4x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2019
What's left on the high street
- 3 pubs, 10 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 2 banks on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 10) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 31% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.28pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.6x the typical town's 0.5%
- 35.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.3x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,559 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
South Holland council
- £2,278 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £114 less than the English average
- 21% of Lincolnshire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 31% higher than England's 16%
- None ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Holbeach against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.