Crap Towns / Northumberland / Alnwick
Alnwick
81/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 81. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Alnwick. It's got a castle.
The castle's all right. The town's traffic, knackered cobbles and nowhere to park.
It's pronounced Annick. The visitors in wizard scarves have a go at every letter anyway, because the castle was in Harry Potter and every summer they turn up trying to park within a mile of it. The cobbles are knackered, and when the council painted a loading bay on them the whole town went mad.
For a little market town it's lively after dark. Vandalism and anti-social behaviour both run well over the typical town's, and fires get started on purpose at nearly four times the typical rate. People pay good money to look at a locked garden of poisonous plants, then come out to this.
The banks have had enough as well. There's been 3 branch closures since 2022, which for a town this size is over ten times the typical town's rate. It's still got 7 charity shops and 2 Greggs. See the castle, then go home.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Alnwick's 91 for criminal damage and arson means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Criminal damage and arson91/10011.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires89/10022.3 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour88/10025.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Sewage spills86/1001,205 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping63/10012.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Northumberland council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions63/1002.9 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Rain61/100134 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband61/1005.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.9% across the Northumberland council area
- Food hygiene12/1000.8% rated 0 to 2, of the 131 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution2/1002.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 4.6 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Blyth | 83 |
| – | Alnwick | 81 |
| 2 | Ashington | 61 |
| 3 | Prudhoe | 58 |
| 4 | Berwick-upon-Tweed | 58 |
| 5 | Morpeth | 57 |
| 6 | Bedlington | 56 |
| 7 | Hexham | 49 |
| 8 | Cramlington | 47 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.9 | Ponteland | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Alnwick by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 88.8 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 17% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 298 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 353 per 10,000 people, 103.8x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 15 pubs, 13 hairdressers, 7 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 2 banks, 2 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 35.6 per 100,000 people, 10.5x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.4 per 10,000 people, 1.5x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 2.4 per 10,000 people, 3.4x the typical English town's 0.7
- 2 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.19am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 22.1% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 43% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,495 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Northumberland council
Have a crap-off
Alnwick against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.