Crap Towns / Northumberland / Hexham
Hexham
49/100Crap Score
499th crappest of 984 towns, and 7th in Northumberland. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Hexham. Happy, till the parking fine.
Keeps getting called the happiest place to live. The bank branches keep shutting.
Hexham keeps getting called the happiest place to live. There's a book festival and a farmers' market. Then you try to park. The app's a nightmare, the fines are a con and the car park fills with lads revving engines at night. Happiest place to live. Who the fuck voted?
Not the banks. Barclays, Halifax, Lloyds and Virgin Money have all shut a branch since 2022, which for a town this size is over ten times the typical rate. 27% of homes can't get gigabit broadband either. It's got 20 hairdressers and 9 charity shops, so you'll look nice in a second-hand coat. The river gets the sewage.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Hexham's 95 for broadband means it's crapper than 95% of towns.
- Broadband95/10027.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.9% across the Northumberland council area
- Sewage spills85/1001,146 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Deliberate fires73/10010.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping63/10012.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Northumberland council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain63/100135 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Anti-social behaviour49/10015.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson45/1006.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions31/1001.8 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution5/1003.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene3/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 133 food businesses with a rating
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Blyth | 83 |
| 2 | Ashington | 61 |
| 3 | Prudhoe | 58 |
| 4 | Berwick-upon-Tweed | 58 |
| 5 | Morpeth | 57 |
| 6 | Bedlington | 56 |
| 7 | Hexham | 49 |
| 8 | Cramlington | 47 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.9 | Ponteland | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Hexham by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 68.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 10% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 187 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 171 per 10,000 people, 50.3x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 10 pubs, 20 hairdressers, 9 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 4 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 4 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 36.5 per 100,000 people, 10.7x the typical town's 3.4
- 8 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 7.3 per 10,000 people, 4.6x the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 1.8 per 10,000 people, 2.6x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.35am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 2.2x the typical town's 0.5%
- 28.2% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.8x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,465 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Northumberland council
Have a crap-off
Hexham against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.