Crap Towns / Northumberland / Ponteland
Ponteland
34/100Crap Score
652nd crappest of 984 towns, and 9th in Northumberland. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Whose Range Rover's on my verge?
Big houses, big cars and somebody's holiday car left on your verge.
Ponteland is where footballers buy mansions behind electric gates in Darras Hall. The rest of the town gets airport passengers leaving their cars on the verges for a fortnight and jams on Callerton Lane. Darras Hall is soulless and you can't go anywhere without a car. Lovely gates, though.
Only 17% of the place can get gigabit broadband, and 9% can't even get superfast, so somebody on a footballer's wages is sat watching a buffering wheel. The overflows nearby dump sewage for nearly nine times the typical town's hours. Nobody vandalises anything, mind. The gates work.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Ponteland's 100 for broadband means it's crapper than 100% of towns.
- Broadband100/10083.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.9% across the Northumberland council area
- Sewage spills96/1002,406 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping63/10012.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Northumberland council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain49/100127 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires44/1005.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour27/10011.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Serious road collisions22/1001.6 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene17/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 57 food businesses with a rating
- Air pollution12/1005.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson2/1002.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Blyth | 83 |
| 2 | Ashington | 61 |
| 3 | Prudhoe | 58 |
| 4 | Berwick-upon-Tweed | 58 |
| 5 | Morpeth | 57 |
| 6 | Bedlington | 56 |
| 7 | Hexham | 49 |
| 8 | Cramlington | 47 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.9 | Ponteland | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Ponteland by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 40.9 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 46% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 253 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 249 per 10,000 people, 73.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2020
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.0 per 10,000 people, 25% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open; 3 closed for good since 2010 Better: 2.0 per 10,000 people, 2.9x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.01am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 9.0% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 18x the typical town's 0.5%
- 54.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.5x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,516 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Northumberland council
Have a crap-off
Ponteland against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.