Crap Towns / South Lanarkshire / Uddingston
Uddingston
71/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 71. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Uddingston. Teacakes and hairdressers.
A leafy commuter village with a teacake factory, and more barbers and bookies per head than it has any need for.
Uddingston smells of caramel because of the teacake factory, and it's very proud of that. It's a leafy wee commuter place on the Clyde with its cricket and rugby clubs, and it gets very upset when Viewpark puts Uddingston on its letters. The main street has over three and a half times the typical town's hairdressers per head and more than five times the Greggs. A Greggs, in a town that makes its own cakes.
The kitchens are another matter: the inspectors told nearly three times the typical Scottish town's share to improve. Serious crashes come in at 1.7 times the typical Scottish town's rate. Viewpark's welcome to the address.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Uddingston's 88 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 88% of towns.
- Serious road collisions88/1002.9 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Food hygiene85/10014.6% told to improve, of the 55 food businesses inspected
- Rain85/100162 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires83/10038.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills77/100785 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2025
- Fly-tipping50/100
- Broadband45/1006.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.7% across the South Lanarkshire council area
- Air pollution44/10010.0 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.4 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour16/1004.9 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
- Criminal damage and arson15/1004.5 per 1,000 people a year, January 2023 to December 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Hamilton | 95 |
| 2 | Rutherglen | 88 |
| 3 | Blantyre | 85 |
| 4 | Larkhall | 82 |
| – | Uddingston | 71 |
| 5 | Cambuslang | 62 |
| 6 | East Kilbride | 59 |
| 7 | Carluke | 52 |
Uddingston by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 10 hairdressers, 1 charity shop, 2 bookmakers, 1 bank, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 16.2 per 100,000 people, 4.8x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) About the same: 1.6 per 10,000 people, about the same as the typical town's 1.6
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.01am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.9% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 1.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 8.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 43% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,325 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Worse: 14% lower than the typical town's 1,532
South Lanarkshire council
- £1,468 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £185 less than the Scottish average
- 33% of South Lanarkshire council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 8% lower than Scotland's 36%
- 87 ombudsman complaints decided in 2025-26, none upheld Better: 26.6 per 100,000 residents, 23% lower than Scotland's 34.7
- 94.0% of the streets checked passed as clean (2025-26) About the same: About the same as Scotland's 92.2%
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Uddingston against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.