Crap Towns / Northumberland / Stakeford
Stakeford
53/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 53. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Stakes, mud and a sewage river
A bridge to Ashington, a lot of bookies and a river full of sewage.
Stakeford got its name from stakes marking a way across the mudflats, and the bridge over the Wansbeck now takes you straight to Ashington, which is no great improvement. There's a miners' institute and no pit. Stakeford Lane is a racetrack, and there's dog mess and fly-tipping about.
The storm overflows nearby spill for five times as long as the typical town's, so the Wansbeck's no better than the mud. Somebody keeps setting the grass alight at over four times the typical town's rate. There's 2 bookies, three and a half times the typical town's per head, and no swimming pool. The air's clean, mind.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Stakeford's 89 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 89% of towns.
- Sewage spills89/1001,405 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Deliberate fires82/10015.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Criminal damage and arson73/1008.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour70/10018.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping63/10012.6 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Northumberland council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Broadband43/1002.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.9% across the Northumberland council area
- Rain39/100123 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene27/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 37 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions14/1001.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution7/1004.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Blyth | 83 |
| 2 | Ashington | 61 |
| 3 | Prudhoe | 58 |
| 4 | Berwick-upon-Tweed | 58 |
| 5 | Morpeth | 57 |
| 6 | Bedlington | 56 |
| – | Stakeford | 53 |
| 7 | Hexham | 49 |
| 8 | Cramlington | 47 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.9 | Ponteland | 34 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Stakeford by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 73.3 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 76.2
- 428 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 523 per 10,000 people, 153.8x the typical town's 3.4
What's left on the high street
- 5 pubs, 6 hairdressers, 2 bookmakers on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.06am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.4% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 20% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 6.0% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 61% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,585 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Northumberland council
Have a crap-off
Stakeford against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.