Crap Towns / Derbyshire / Somercotes and Swanwick
Somercotes and Swanwick
47/100Crap Score
526th crappest of 984 towns, and 10th in Derbyshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Burnouts on a Saturday.
Swanwick makes chocolate. Somercotes has lads doing burnouts in the retail park.
Somercotes made clothes and Swanwick makes chocolate, which is nice. Then there's the retail park, where lads meet up in their cars for burnouts and revving till all hours while everyone else lies awake listening. Parents park across the pavement outside Swanwick school, and Lower Somercotes is one long row of parked cars.
The brook takes the rest. The overflows round here run for 4 times as long as the typical town's, and the latest serious pollution incident, in August 2026, put crude sewage in the water. Some knobhead's setting fire to the grass at nearly half as much again as the typical town. Plenty of pubs, mind.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Somercotes and Swanwick's 84 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 84% of towns.
- Sewage spills84/1001,095 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution69/1009.2 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions68/1003.0 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Deliberate fires66/1008.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Rain61/100134 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson53/1007.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour42/10014.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Broadband40/1004.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.8% across the Amber Valley council area
- Food hygiene29/1001.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 82 food businesses with a rating
- Fly-tipping0/1001.8 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Amber Valley council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 6 | Staveley | 61 |
| 7 | Matlock | 59 |
| 8 | South Normanton and Pinxton | 50 |
| 9 | Ripley | 47 |
| 10 | Somercotes and Swanwick | 47 |
| 11 | Ilkeston | 43 |
| 12 | Buxton | 42 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.13 | Hadfield | 36 |
| 14 | Long Eaton | 33 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Somercotes and Swanwick by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 78.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 76.2
- 3 reports of litter and bins on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 2.0 per 10,000 people, 2.2x the typical town's 0.9
- 6 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2026
What's left on the high street
- 13 pubs, 8 hairdressers, 4 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 0.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (0 of 10) Better: Against the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.3 per 10,000 people, 19% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.13am last bus out on a Wednesday About the same: About the same as the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.7% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 40% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 6.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 56% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,473 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Amber Valley council
- £2,408 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £16 more than the English average
- 15% of Derbyshire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 6% lower than England's 16%
- None ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Somercotes and Swanwick against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.