Crap Towns / Buckinghamshire / Milton Keynes
Milton Keynes
36/100Crap Score
Known as Milky Beans.
633rd crappest of 984 towns, and 4th in Buckinghamshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Milton Keynes? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Buses? Get a car.
Concrete cows and roundabouts. Without a car, you've got nothing.
Milton Keynes has concrete cows, a roundabout on every corner and a grid of roads designed for driving. If you haven't got a car, good luck: the buses get cancelled, and after 7pm the service is 63% below the typical town's. Visitors call it soulless from the station and leave. They're not missing much.
Except the parks, which they never see. MK has 118 of them and 322 play spaces, and hardly anyone lives more than 400 metres from one. The council's another matter: the ombudsman upheld 36 complaints against it in a year, well above similar councils, and 7 public pools have closed for good since 2010. Nice grass on the roundabouts, though.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Milton Keynes's 74 for fly-tipping means it's crapper than 74% of towns.
- Fly-tipping74/10015.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Milton Keynes council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Air pollution71/1009.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson60/1007.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires57/1006.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour52/10010.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Food hygiene43/1002.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 1,010 food businesses with a rating
- Sewage spills38/100161 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain25/100119 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Broadband11/1002.7% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 3.6% across the Milton Keynes council area
- Serious road collisions1/1000.8 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | High Wycombe | 56 |
| 2 | Bletchley | 42 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.3 | Chesham | 39 |
| 4 | Milton Keynes | 36 |
| 5 | Amersham | 34 |
| 6 | Newport Pagnell | 19 |
| 7 | Flackwell Heath and Wooburn Green | 13 |
| 8 | Aylesbury | 10 |
| 9 | Buckingham | 8 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Milton Keynes by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 102 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 34% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 59 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 3.0 per 10,000 people, 12% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 12 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 56 pubs, 54 hairdressers, 11 charity shops, 14 bookmakers, 3 vape shops, 12 banks, 5 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 6.2% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (10 of 161) Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 4.0%
- 6 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 3.0 per 100,000 people, 12% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 41 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.1 per 10,000 people, 31% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- 12 public swimming pools open; 7 closed for good since 2010 Worse: 0.6 per 10,000 people, 14% lower than the typical English town's 0.7
- 2 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 1.16am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 0.5% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 97% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,524 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Milton Keynes council
- £2,372 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £20 less than the English average
- 16% of Milton Keynes council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) About the same: About the same as England's 16%
- 36 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Milton Keynes against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.