Crap Towns / Wiltshire / Marlborough
Marlborough
25/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 25. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Very posh, very wide.
Huge High Street, a famous posh school and lorries rattling through the lot.
Marlborough reckons it has the widest High Street in England, and it needs it for all the lorries shaking the houses as they come through. The nearest station is miles off and the nightlife is a pint. The posh school runs the place and everyone knows where they stand.
The buses stop at 7.18pm, which suits a town where everyone's got a Range Rover. The storm drains chuck out sewage for over nine times as long as the typical town's, which is a lot of shit under a lot of money. Lovely if you went there. Snooty if you didn't.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Marlborough's 96 for sewage spills means it's crapper than 96% of towns.
- Sewage spills96/1002,563 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Broadband88/10014.5% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 23.1% across the Wiltshire council area
- Rain59/100133 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Food hygiene48/1002.3% rated 0 to 2, of the 44 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions31/1001.8 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping21/1005.5 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Wiltshire council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires18/1003.0 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Air pollution16/1004.9 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 5.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Criminal damage and arson14/1004.4 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour13/1008.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 4 | Swindon | 43 |
| 5 | Trowbridge | 41 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.6 | Warminster | 30 |
| 7 | Chippenham | 29 |
| – | Marlborough | 25 |
| 8 | Calne | 24 |
| 9 | Westbury | 24 |
| 10 | Stratton St Margaret | 22 |
| 11 | Amesbury | 20 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Marlborough by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 46.8 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 39% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 4 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 4.5 per 10,000 people, 32% higher than the typical town's 3.4
- 3 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2023
What's left on the high street
- 7 pubs, 4 hairdressers, 5 charity shops, 2 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 11.3 per 100,000 people, 3.3x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.3 per 10,000 people, 44% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- 2 public swimming pools open Better: 2.3 per 10,000 people, 3.3x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 7.18pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 24.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.6x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,603 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Wiltshire council
Have a crap-off
Marlborough against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.