Crap Towns / Cheshire / Holmes Chapel
Holmes Chapel
26/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 26. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Holmes Chapel? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Bring a felt tip for the viaduct
People fly in from abroad to write on a viaduct. Then the motorway lorries arrive.
Holmes Chapel gets fans from all over the world scribbling on Twemlow Viaduct because a pop star grew up here. That's the big draw. A railway bridge covered in felt tip. Otherwise it's a quiet Cheshire village until the motorway shuts and every lorry in the North West comes down its narrow roads.
Crime barely registers. The last bus out on a Wednesday goes at 9.03pm and there's none on a Sunday, so the fans had better have a lift. The Dane gets nearly four times the typical town's spill hours. Bring a felt tip. Everyone else does.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Holmes Chapel's 91 for broadband means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Broadband91/10022.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 16.3% across the Cheshire East council area
- Sewage spills84/1001,050 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain75/100151 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Serious road collisions43/1002.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping43/10010.0 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Cheshire East council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Air pollution40/1007.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene32/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 25 food businesses with a rating
- Anti-social behaviour0/1003.0 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson0/1001.9 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires0/100None, April 2023 to March 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 10 | Congleton | 33 |
| 11 | Sandbach | 31 |
| 12 | Nantwich | 28 |
| 13 | Neston | 28 |
| – | Holmes Chapel | 26 |
| 14 | Alsager | 22 |
| 15 | Lymm | 21 |
| 16 | Wilmslow | 21 |
| 17 | Poynton | 15 |
Holmes Chapel by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 31.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 59% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 8 problems reported on FixMyStreet in the year to October 2026 Better: 12.0 per 10,000 people, 41% lower than the typical town's 20.4
What's left on the high street
- 4 pubs, 9 hairdressers, 1 charity shop on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 15.0 per 100,000 people, 4.4x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 public toilet on the map (October 2026) Worse: 1.5 per 10,000 people, 6% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.03pm last bus out on a Wednesday, and none on a Sunday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.3% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 40% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 8.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 43% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,467 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Cheshire East council
- £2,455 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £63 more than the English average
- 17% of Cheshire East council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 6% higher than England's 16%
- 33 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Holmes Chapel against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.