Crap Towns / Surrey / Guildford
Guildford
48/100Crap Score
508th crappest of 984 towns, and 17th in Surrey. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
Got something to say about Guildford? Write in.
agree it's crap have defended it
Round the gyratory again, lads
Posh, steep, cobbled, and the gyratory'll have you round it twice before you've noticed.
Guildford acts like it's already a city. Cobbled High Street, a castle, a fancy clock on the Guildhall. Locals call woodlice cheesybobs, and if you don't, you're not from round here. Woking's crapper, and Guildford never lets anyone forget it.
Then there's the gyratory, which nobody understands, and a busy road between the station and the town. Serious crashes run at 1.8 times the typical town's rate. Public order offences are well above the typical town's too, which is what you get when the posh lot have had a few on the cobbles. Posh doesn't help.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Guildford's 94 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 94% of towns.
- Serious road collisions94/1004.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Broadband82/10013.1% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 18.2% across the Guildford council area
- Criminal damage and arson69/1008.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution69/1009.7 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Anti-social behaviour46/10014.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Fly-tipping38/1009.0 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Guildford council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires23/100
- Sewage spills22/10051.0 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene22/1001.6% rated 0 to 2, of the 443 food businesses with a rating
- Rain19/100117 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 13 | Weybridge | 55 |
| 14 | Tadworth and Epsom Downs | 54 |
| 15 | Ashford | 52 |
| 16 | New Haw, West Byfleet and Sheerwater | 51 |
| 17 | Guildford | 48 |
| 18 | Hersham | 46 |
| 19 | Caterham | 44 |
| 20 | Dorking | 44 |
| 21 | Stanwell | 43 |
Guildford by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 99.7 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Worse: 31% higher than the typical town's 76.2
- 3,077 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 395 per 10,000 people, 116.2x the typical town's 3.4
- 5 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 30 pubs, 35 hairdressers, 9 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 3 vape shops, 10 banks, 3 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 49) Better: 50% lower than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Better: 2.6 per 100,000 people, 24% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 28 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.6 per 10,000 people, 2.3x the typical town's 1.6
- 7 public swimming pools open Better: 0.9 per 10,000 people, 29% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 1 place on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- All night buses on a Wednesday Better: The typical town's last bus goes at 12.14am
- 0.5% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 0.5%
- 21.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 37% higher than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,613 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 5% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Guildford council
Have a crap-off
Guildford against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.