Crap Towns / Worcestershire / Great Malvern
Great Malvern
27/100Crap Score
Locals are Malvernians.
722nd crappest of 984 towns, and 6th in Worcestershire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Great Malvern. It's all uphill.
Lovely hills, spring water and gas lamps. Bring your walking boots and an inhaler.
Great Malvern is a Victorian spa town stuck on the side of a hill, so every errand is a hike. The views are great, the spring water is famous and the gas lamps are pretty. The hills block out the evening sun, there's no nightlife, and the houses cost a bomb. The place is full of retired folk, all out of breath.
The bookies have given up and the charity shops have moved in, at 2.4 times the typical town's rate per head, which tells you the average age. Halifax, Lloyds and Santander have all announced they're off, so it's further to walk for cash, uphill. A pool shut in 2026 to save money. The last bus is at 9.08pm, which is past most people's bedtime anyway.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Great Malvern's 86 for broadband means it's crapper than 86% of towns.
- Broadband86/10010.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 28.3% across the Malvern Hills council area
- Sewage spills70/100597 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene58/1002.9% rated 0 to 2, of the 172 food businesses with a rating
- Rain48/100127 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Serious road collisions48/1002.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour30/10012.1 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson29/1005.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Air pollution19/1005.2 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.0 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Deliberate fires19/1003.5 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Fly-tipping2/1003.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Malvern Hills council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Evesham | 47 |
| 2 | Kidderminster | 47 |
| 3 | Stourport-on-Severn | 40 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.4 | Redditch | 35 |
| 5 | Worcester | 29 |
| 6 | Great Malvern | 27 |
| 7 | Bromsgrove | 26 |
| 8 | Catshill | 19 |
| 9 | Droitwich Spa | 2 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Great Malvern by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 63.4 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 17% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 6 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Better: 1.8 per 10,000 people, 47% lower than the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2017
What's left on the high street
- 23 pubs, 17 hairdressers, 11 charity shops, 1 bookmaker, 1 vape shop, 3 banks, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 5.0% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 20) Worse: 25% higher than the typical town's 4.0%
- 3 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 9.0 per 100,000 people, 2.6x the typical town's 3.4
- 11 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 3.3 per 10,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 1.6
- 3 public swimming pools open; 1 closed for good since 2010 Better: 0.9 per 10,000 people, 29% higher than the typical English town's 0.7
- 2 places on England's Heritage at Risk register
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.08pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 13.7% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 12% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,542 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 1,532
Malvern Hills council
- £2,451 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £59 more than the English average
- 18% of Worcestershire County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Worse: 13% higher than England's 16%
- 1 ombudsman complaint upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Great Malvern against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.