The M3 queue starts here.

Bagshot? Sat in a queue at the motorway junction, that's Bagshot. The village streets are a rat run, people get killed or badly hurt on the roads at over twice the typical town's rate, and getting to London means changing at Ascot like a mug. Locals call it Bagshit. Locals would know.

There's a royal park you can't go in. The high street has twice the typical town's pubs per head, so the bored teenagers know where they're heading. It's got public pools at nearly five times the typical town's rate, too, so you can always go for a swim while you wait for the M3 to clear.

The editor, familiar with the back of the car ahead