Crap Towns / Surrey / Lightwater
Lightwater
11/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 11. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Stuck on the M3 roundabout
A big country park, no railway station and a motorway roundabout that won't let you go.
Lightwater is a quiet, well-behaved village with a country park and a decent view from High Curley. That's the good bit. There's no station, the buses to anywhere are slow, the motorway roundabout jams solid and there's nothing for teenagers to do except walk on the heath. It's very nice. It's just a bit of a trap.
It's got 1 pub, 1 hairdresser and 1 bank, and a quarter of premises can't get gigabit broadband, so staying in isn't much cop either. The air's got more nitrogen dioxide in it than the health guideline, which is what living next to the M3 gets you. Crime's next to nothing. Nobody can be arsed.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Lightwater's 91 for broadband means it's crapper than 91% of towns.
- Broadband91/10025.0% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 10.6% across the Surrey Heath council area
- Air pollution76/10010.4 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.3 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Deliberate fires60/100
- Sewage spills38/100150 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Food hygiene37/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 18 food businesses with a rating
- Rain32/100121 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Fly-tipping28/1007.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Surrey Heath council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Serious road collisions16/1001.2 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Anti-social behaviour2/1005.6 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Criminal damage and arson0/1002.3 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 31 | Farncombe | 23 |
| 32 | Godalming | 22 |
| 33 | Ash and Ash Vale | 19 |
| 34 | Weybourne | 12 |
| – | Lightwater | 11 |
| 35 | Great Bookham and Fetcham | 9 |
| 36 | Ashtead | 8 |
| 37 | Frimley | 4 |
| 38 | Worcester Park and Stoneleigh | 3 |
Lightwater by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 33.1 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 57% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 201 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 308 per 10,000 people, 90.6x the typical town's 3.4
- 2 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2024
What's left on the high street
- 1 pub, 1 hairdresser, 1 bank on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.07pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.9% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 1.8x the typical town's 0.5%
- 28.4% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 1.8x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,636 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 7% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Surrey Heath council
Have a crap-off
Lightwater against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.