Football with a rule against murder

Once a year Ashbourne boards up its shops and the Up'ards and Down'ards spend days kicking lumps out of each other in the streets and up and down the Henmore Brook. They call it tradition. The rest of the year it's antique shops, gingerbread and lorries scraping down Georgian streets too narrow for them, while the relief road stays a promise.

Nearly a fifth of the town can't get gigabit broadband, so you can't even stream the football you've just been trampled in. It pisses down on 144 days a year. And the brook the Down'ards wade through has sewage going in the water nearby for five and a half times the typical town's hours. Nobody mentions that bit at the pancake lunch.

Some of the kitchens want shutting, too. 6 of the 91 food places with a rating score 0 to 2, nearly three times the typical town's share.

The editor, who stayed behind the boards