Crap Towns / Berkshire / Ascot
Ascot
22/100Crap Score
770th crappest of 984 towns, and 4th in Berkshire. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Top hat, sick in the hedge
Royal week means posh people in top hats, legless, puking in a hedge by the station.
Ascot is horses, hats and people with more money than sense eating a pork pie off the back of a Range Rover. Then the last race finishes and they all pile onto the same train, pissed out of their heads in tails, and somebody throws up in a hedge.
The rest of the year it's dead quiet and costs a bloody fortune, except the council tax, which at £1,953 for a Band D is well under England's average. Half the town lives more than 400 metres from a park or a swing, as the crow flies. All that grass, and it's for the horses.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Ascot's 70 for food hygiene means it's crapper than 70% of towns.
- Food hygiene70/1003.9% rated 0 to 2, of the 129 food businesses with a rating
- Broadband67/1009.3% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 14.2% across the Windsor and Maidenhead council area
- Air pollution66/1009.3 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.1 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Serious road collisions47/1002.3 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Fly-tipping37/1008.8 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Windsor and Maidenhead council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Deliberate fires34/100
- Sewage spills33/100112 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Rain31/100121 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Criminal damage and arson8/1003.8 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour2/1003.7 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Slough | 45 |
| 2 | Reading | 44 |
| In danger of becoming nice from here down.3 | Newbury | 37 |
| 4 | Ascot | 22 |
| 5 | Windsor | 21 |
| 6 | Thatcham | 17 |
| 7 | Bracknell | 7 |
| 8 | Maidenhead | 6 |
| 9 | Wokingham | 5 |
Below the dashed line: in danger of becoming nice.
Ascot by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 39.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 48% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 180 reports of potholes and bad road surfaces on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 75.0 per 10,000 people, 22.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 1 serious pollution incident within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2019
What's left on the high street
- 11 pubs, 12 hairdressers, 2 charity shops, 2 bookmakers, 1 vape shop, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 1 bank branch closure announced since 2022 Worse: 4.2 per 100,000 people, 24% higher than the typical town's 3.4
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Worse: 0.8 per 10,000 people, 50% lower than the typical town's 1.6
- 4 public swimming pools open Better: 1.7 per 10,000 people, 2.4x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 12.32am last bus out on a Wednesday Better: Later than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 0.5%
- 50.3% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 3.2x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,652 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 8% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Windsor and Maidenhead council
- £1,953 Band D council tax (2026-27) Better: £439 less than the English average
- 2% of Windsor and Maidenhead council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 88% lower than England's 16%
- 12 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Ascot against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.