Crap Towns / Essex / Wivenhoe
Wivenhoe
10/100Crap Score
Too small for the table, which starts at 10,000 people, but it still scores 10. Higher scores are crapper.
Have your say
Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
See the raceThe public vote. It's separate from the Crap Score, and it closes on 31 December 2027.
Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Arty, smug, pricey
Pretty quay. Very expensive place to be pleased with yourself.
Wivenhoe used to build ships and smuggle brandy. Now it's artists, academics and houses on the quay that cost the earth. Wivenhovians look at Colchester the way you'd look at something on your shoe.
Anti-social behaviour is running at about a sixth of the typical town's rate, which leaves plenty of time for being smug. The broadband lets them down: the share that can't get superfast is more than three times the typical town's, so a lot of essays are going nowhere. There are 2 play spaces for the whole town and no public pool. They keep building houses without the schools and doctors to match.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Wivenhoe's 88 for broadband means it's crapper than 88% of towns.
- Broadband88/10016.9% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 17.8% across the Colchester council area
- Fly-tipping69/10015.2 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Colchester council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Sewage spills54/100319 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Air pollution42/1007.1 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 6.8 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Food hygiene29/1000.0% rated 0 to 2, of the 30 food businesses with a rating
- Serious road collisions18/1001.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Criminal damage and arson4/1003.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Rain2/100107 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
- Deliberate fires0/1000.6 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Anti-social behaviour0/1002.2 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 25 | Brentwood | 17 |
| 26 | Great Dunmow | 13 |
| 27 | Halstead | 12 |
| 28 | Rayleigh | 11 |
| – | Wivenhoe | 10 |
| 29 | Chelmsford | 9 |
| 30 | Hockley and Hawkwell | 7 |
| 31 | Maldon | 6 |
| 32 | Saffron Walden | 1 |
Wivenhoe by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 41.5 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) Better: 46% lower than the typical town's 76.2
- 1 reports of abandoned vehicles on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026 Worse: 1.4 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical town's 0.9
What's left on the high street
- 6 pubs, 6 hairdressers on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 2 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 2.7 per 10,000 people, 1.7x the typical town's 1.6
- None public swimming pools open Worse: Against the typical English town's 0.7 per 10,000 people
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 11.53pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 1.6% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Worse: 3.2x the typical town's 0.5%
- 40.2% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Worse: 2.6x the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,721 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 12% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Colchester council
- £2,283 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £109 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 2 ombudsman complaints upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Wivenhoe against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.