Crap Towns / Essex / Witham
Witham
28/100Crap Score
709th crappest of 984 towns, and 20th in Essex. Higher scores are crapper.
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Crap Town of the Year 2026/27
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Letters from the locals
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agree it's crap have defended it
Shop in Chelmsford.
Fast trains to London and a high street people leave to go shopping.
Witham's a commuter town with fast trains to London and kingfishers on the River Brain. Everyone goes to Chelmsford or Colchester to shop, and the high street's dying. Locals call it Shitam, then spend half their lives correcting everyone else's pronunciation.
On the map, the town has 1 hairdresser, 1 charity shop, 1 bank and 1 Greggs. Halifax and Lloyds have already cleared off. The teenagers have nothing to do and the last bus has gone by 9.58pm. The serious crashes run 42% above the typical town's, so getting a lift home isn't much better.
What the score is made of
Ten ingredients, each marked out of 100. Higher is crapper.
Witham's 81 for serious road collisions means it's crapper than 81% of towns.
- Serious road collisions81/1003.4 per 10,000 people a year, fatal and serious, 2021 to 2025
- Air pollution68/1008.8 µg/m³ of nitrogen dioxide and 7.2 of fine particles, 2024 average
- Broadband56/1008.8% of premises can't get gigabit, January 2026, and 9.7% across the Braintree council area
- Food hygiene45/1002.2% rated 0 to 2, of the 134 food businesses with a rating
- Criminal damage and arson41/1006.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Anti-social behaviour35/1008.5 per 1,000 people a year, September 2023 to August 2026
- Deliberate fires30/1004.4 per 10,000 people a year, April 2023 to March 2026
- Sewage spills17/10032.5 spill hours per 10,000 people a year, storm overflows within 1 km, 2023 to 2025
- Fly-tipping16/1005.9 incidents per 1,000 people a year, Braintree council area, 2022-23 to 2024-25
- Rain3/100108 days of rain a year, at least 1 mm, 1991 to 2020 average
| Pos | Town | Score |
|---|---|---|
| 16 | South Ockendon | 37 |
| 17 | Buckhurst Hill | 37 |
| 18 | Thundersley and South Benfleet | 32 |
| 19 | Billericay | 29 |
| 20 | Witham | 28 |
| 21 | Harwich | 23 |
| 22 | Rochford | 22 |
| 23 | Braintree | 21 |
| 24 | Stanford-le-Hope | 17 |
Witham by numbers
Thinking of moving here? Don't say we didn't warn you.
Crime, muck and dodgy water
- 74.2 crimes per 1,000 people a year (September 2023 to August 2026) About the same: About the same as the typical town's 76.2
- 7 reports of graffiti and fly-posting on FixMyStreet, the most reported problem in the year to October 2026
- 3 serious pollution incidents within 1 km since 2016, the latest in 2025
What's left on the high street
- 9 pubs, 1 hairdresser, 1 charity shop, 1 bank, 1 Greggs on the map here as of 1 October 2026
- 4.8% of takeaways rated 0 to 2 for hygiene (1 of 21) Worse: 20% higher than the typical town's 4.0%
- 2 bank branch closures announced since 2022 Worse: 7.3 per 100,000 people, 2.1x the typical town's 3.4
- 5 public toilets on the map (October 2026) Better: 1.8 per 10,000 people, 13% higher than the typical town's 1.6
- 3 public swimming pools open; 3 closed for good since 2010 Better: 1.1 per 10,000 people, 1.6x the typical English town's 0.7
Getting about, getting online, getting rained on
- 9.58pm last bus out on a Wednesday Worse: Earlier than the typical town's 12.14am
- 0.1% of premises can't get superfast broadband (January 2026) Better: 80% lower than the typical town's 0.5%
- 7.8% live more than 400 metres from a park or play space Better: 50% lower than the typical town's 15.5%
- 1,682 hours of sunshine a year (1991 to 2020 average) Better: 10% higher than the typical town's 1,532
Braintree council
- £2,280 Band D council tax (2026-27) About the same: £112 less than the English average
- 10% of Essex County Council's unclassified roads should have been considered for maintenance (2025-26) Better: 38% lower than England's 16%
- 1 ombudsman complaint upheld against the council in 2025-26
- More on the council
Have a crap-off
Witham against your mate's town, and a match ticket to rub it in.
- ?Fly-tippingper 1,000, council area?
- ?Anti-social behaviourper 1,000 people?
- ?Serious road crashesper 10,000 people?
- ?Sewage spillshours per 10,000 people?
- ?Food hygienerated poor?
- ?Criminal damageper 1,000 people?
- ?Dirty airµg/m³?
- ?No gigabitof premises can't get it?
- ?Deliberate firesper 10,000 people?
- ?Raindays a year?
Ten ingredients. One verdict. Who's crapper? The higher Crap Score takes it.